After walking away from my career and spending months trying to figure out what was happening in my life, I finally got hired and started a new job 7 weeks ago. I’m thankful to have this job, but I applied and interviewed for jobs that made MUCH more sense to me, but I did not get them. What I have now is NOT the job I hoped for, but it is the job that hired me. It was NOT what I wanted, but it is what I got instead.
Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)
The past 7 weeks have been a bit of a blur and a series of one hard lesson after another. On almost a daily basis I come face to face with the deep-seeded entitlement that has been wedged in my heart for years.
Entitlement… It’s “what I deserve”.
Lately I’ve been trying to dig deeper into why my heart has struggled so much through all this. The truth is, I know exactly why: deep in my heart I think I’m better, think I deserve better and think I’ve earned the right to not have to work this kind of job at this point in my life. I’ve “been there” and “done that”. How’s that for honesty?
The idolatry of what we think we deserve is a thief, robbing us of perspective and truth in the moments God uses to deepen our lives.
There have been moments over the past few weeks when I’ve had brief glimpses of revelation and lucidity (bonus points for use of “lucidity”), but for the most part I remain clueless about where my life is headed right now. Some days I find myself being able to embrace the uncertainty of this season better than others, and some days my heart feels like it is in an absolute free fall. There are days when my heart is full of fear, simply because it is more prone to reach for ANYTHING other than God as an anchor and source of hope and security.
The other day I was hanging out with my friend Wes, who has quickly become a close friend of mine. I was sharing (er, venting) with him about how I felt about what all is happening right now, and I said (in frustration), “THIS just isn’t where my life is right now!” As if to say, “at THIS point in my life I should have THIS job with THIS income, THIS life…” Wes’ reply? “But Grant, this IS where your life is right now.”
He was right. Regardless of how I feel about where I should or shouldn’t be at this point in my life, and regardless of the expectations I have formed in my own heart about where I feel I’m entitled to be at this point, you know what? This is exactly where my life is right now, and being frustrated, stubborn and ungrateful isn’t going to change that.
I am learning that my entitlement makes me a slave to the expectations that exist only in my heart.
Sara Groves has a song called “What I Thought I Wanted” that beautifully underscores the heart of Proverbs 19:21.Sara Groves - What I Thought I Wanted
I love the lyric where she says:
When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful
I am learning A LOT about my heart right now. I am learning things about myself that I don’t know if I would have ever learned had the bottom not fallen out.
I thought I wanted a job… but instead I am getting character
I thought I wanted a check… but instead I am getting change
I thought I wanted my story… but instead I am getting His
I often wonder if I would have had the opportunity to see this deeply into my heart had I gotten what I wanted. But I didn’t, and here we are. It is painful, but it is purposeful. Though the bleeding persists, I am grateful for the wound.
So, what I thought I wanted, and what I got instead leaves me broken and grateful.
Are you grateful for what you got “instead”?