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What I Thought I Wanted, What I Got Instead

June 4, 2010 in Faith, Life with 83 Comments

After walking away from my career and spending months trying to figure out what was happening in my life, I finally got hired and started a new job 7 weeks ago.  I’m thankful to have this job, but I applied and interviewed for jobs that made MUCH more sense to me, but I did not get them.  What I have now is NOT the job I hoped for, but it is the job that hired me.  It was NOT what I wanted, but it is what I got instead.

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)

The past 7 weeks have been a bit of a blur and a series of one hard lesson after another.  On almost a daily basis I come face to face with the deep-seeded entitlement that has been wedged in my heart for years.

Entitlement… It’s “what I deserve”.

Lately I’ve been trying to dig deeper into why my heart has struggled so much through all this.  The truth is, I know exactly why: deep in my heart I think I’m better, think I deserve better and think I’ve earned the right to not have to work this kind of job at this point in my life. I’ve “been there” and “done that”.  How’s that for honesty?

The idolatry of what we think we deserve is a thief, robbing us of perspective and truth in the moments God uses to deepen our lives.

There have been moments over the past few weeks when I’ve had brief glimpses of revelation and lucidity (bonus points for use of “lucidity”), but for the most part I remain clueless about where my life is headed right now.  Some days I find myself being able to embrace the uncertainty of this season better than others, and some days my heart feels like it is in an absolute free fall. There are days when my heart is full of fear, simply because it is more prone to reach for ANYTHING other than God as an anchor and source of hope and security.

The other day I was hanging out with my friend Wes, who has quickly become a close friend of mine.  I was sharing (er, venting) with him about how I felt about what all is happening right now, and I said (in frustration), “THIS just isn’t where my life is right now!” As if to say, “at THIS point in my life I should have THIS job with THIS income, THIS life…”  Wes’ reply? “But Grant, this IS where your life is right now.”

……….

@#$%@*!

Reality check.

He was right. Regardless of how I feel about where I should or shouldn’t be at this point in my life, and regardless of the expectations I have formed in my own heart about where I feel I’m entitled to be at this point, you know what?  This is exactly where my life is right now, and being frustrated, stubborn and ungrateful isn’t going to change that.

I am learning that my entitlement makes me a slave to the expectations that exist only in my heart.

Sara Groves has a song called “What I Thought I Wanted” that beautifully underscores the heart of Proverbs 19:21.

Sara Groves - What I Thought I Wanted

I love the lyric where she says:

When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

I am learning A LOT about my heart right now. I am learning things about myself that I don’t know if I would have ever learned had the bottom not fallen out.

I thought I wanted a job… but instead I am getting character
I thought I wanted a check… but instead I am getting change
I thought I wanted my story… but instead I am getting His

I often wonder if I would have had the opportunity to see this deeply into my heart had I gotten what I wanted.  But I didn’t, and here we are. It is painful, but it is purposeful. Though the bleeding persists, I am grateful for the wound.

So, what I thought I wanted, and what I got instead leaves me broken and grateful.

Are you grateful for what you got “instead”?

 

Value In The Crushing

May 31, 2010 in Faith with 38 Comments

I wasn’t there, but I’ve been hearing some amazing things about the message Chuck Swindoll brought at Catalyst 2009.  My friend Justin Davis blogged about the message and his application of it in his post “Benefits Of Brokenness part 2.” which is where I first heard about it.  Swindoll says,

“When God has an impossible task to accomplish, he finds and impossible person and crushes them. So leave room in your life for the crushing. Leave room for the crushing. In every great work of God, brokenness and failure are necessary.”

It’s quite interesting to me that for all the talk about wanting to “be like Jesus” that goes on in most church and “christian” circles these days, nobody wants to suffer.  We all say we want God’s will for our lives, but have somehow become entitled and convinced that surely said “will of God” for us individually is chock full of blessing, favor, increase, promotion and all those other christianese buzz words we love to throw around.  If anything looks as if it will challenge “our rights” to the aforementioned blessing, favor, increase or promotion, then it must be “the devil.” It seems that in our feverish pursuit of the “favor”-laden “will of God” for our lives we have somehow forgotten that the will of God for Jesus was the cross.

I’ve heard it said on more than one occasion by a preacher that while Jesus certainly died on the cross physically, it was actually in the Garden of Gethsemane where he died to his will, where he was crushed, which paved the way to the cross.  In Luke 2:42 we even see Jesus at great odds with what his flesh wanted and his destiny, ultimately choosing to surrender his will and embrace the will of the Father.

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

Out of curiosity, because I like to cook and I’m a geek like that, I’ve been doing some research on how olive oil is made.  It’s quite an interesting and involved process.  What intrigued me to the point of this research was the price of olive oil at the store.  I didn’t understand how olives could be so relatively cheap, but even a medium sized bottle of quality olive oil is actually quite costly.

In my research, I have found that there are many uses, even apart from cooking, for olive oil.  Olives themselves have a lot of culinary uses, but it is the oil that is most valuable.  Even for as many uses as the olive has, it is actually more valuable after having been crushed, processed and reduced to an oil.

Cost and value are two very different things. In fact, what something “cost” me versus the “value” of that thing can often differ greatly.  Cost versus value will be perceived differently based on which side of the process I am standing on.  I cannot escape the spiritual application of that fact, and it has been ringing in my heart loudly.

So, what is the cost of olive oil?  Who are you asking?  It may cost me $12.99, but ask the olive.  It cost the olive everything.

There is a value produced by the crushing of the olive that would have never been realized if left in it’s initial state.  If the olive were able to feel and speak, I am sure it would testify that the crushing is extremely painful… being torn apart, gutted, dying to what it used to be, letting go of what people expect it to look like, releasing the real value on the inside. I wonder if the olive would confess to feeling like perhaps it had failed as an olive, being broken and not knowing why, not yet understanding that what was happening was necessary in order to get the greater purpose out of its existence.

And so it is with your life.  There is a such a significant value produced by the crushing of your life that would never have been realized it is were left in it’s original entitled, self-centered, prideful state.  And yes, it is painful… dying to your former self, letting go of what you used to be, rebuilding, embracing the greater purpose in your existence, but knowing that it comes only through brokenness and what will likely feel like failure.

God loves your “olive”, but he wants your “oil.”

You want the will of God for your life? Leave room for the crushing.

Are you leaving room in your life for the crushing?

 

Eye Check

May 20, 2010 in Faith with 21 Comments

It’s quite obvious that I’ve been neglecting my blog lately. I honestly hate it, but with the recent life changes I’ve had, I’m struggling to find a new rhythm with everything. I think it’s getting better, and I can certainly see my heart changing about a lot of stuff.  I’ve been learning a LOT and have much I want to blog about, and I will… soon. In the meantime, today’s post is very short, but it’s something that I haven’t been able to escape lately.

Last Saturday, Cross Point once again organized over a thousand volunteers and mobilized them to hit the flooded communities of Nashville to serve and be the hands of feet of Christ in our city.  The pic above was taken by my friend Kenny in the Ashland City area, which was terribly devastated by the flooding.  I haven’t been able to get this image out of my head all week, along with 2 Corinthians 4:18…

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (NIV)

The Message translation says: There’s far more here than meets the eye.

Not only is this a timely reminder in the context of the flooding here in Nashville, as the temptation to focus on the loss of material things is so great, but also in each of our lives in general.  I know I can often be guilty of becoming so fixated on what I can see that I sometimes miss the greater story and the invisible, often intangible work God is doing. It’s easier to look at what’s in front of me than trust in what God is doing inside me.

The great paradoxical challenge of the faith life is this: keep your eyes on what you can’t see.

So… Eye Check. What is your vision fixed on?

 

You Make Beautiful Things

May 14, 2010 in Community, Faith, Music, Service with 8 Comments

Last Saturday, Cross Point Church organized and mobilized 1,600+ volunteers into flood-ravaged Nashville communities to serve and help families affected by the flood begin the clean-up process.  Yesterday I shared one of my take-aways from that day, and today I want to share another.

All during last week immediately following the flood, my heart was so heavy for what was happening in my city.  As such, I fully expected to be an emotional wreck last Saturday as I got the opportunity to help hands-on and be in the middle of so much of the destruction.  The first few sights I saw were overwhelming, as huge piles of debris lined the sidewalks in front of every single home.  Once we got to the neighborhood our team was assigned, we got into groups and dispersed to serve.

With each home, homeowner and volunteer we encountered, I could not escape the overwhelming sense of hope that was everywhere.  Sure there was a lot of loss, and there were plenty of questions, but there was also community and humanity.  Sprouts of hope were pressing their way through the soil of confusion that otherwise blanketed entire communities. You couldn’t necessarily see it with your eyes, you had to see it with your heart.

See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. – Isaiah 43:19

Throughout much of the day last Saturday, Gungor’s “Beautiful Things” song was running through my head. The song paints a perfect picture of the collision of loss and hope that so many are experiencing in the wake of the flood, and that I saw first-hand last week.  So, imagine my surprise (and explosion of emotions) when the worship team at Cross Point sang “Beautiful Things” the very next morning (which had been planned for WEEKS)!

Below is a video with images of Cross Point volunteers serving the flooded communities of Nashville, set to Gungor’s “Beautiful Things.” It’s a powerful video and depiction of hope in the midst of loss, hurt and confusion.

This Saturday, Cross Point is partnering with WAY-FM to once again dispatch volunteers out to serve flooded communities of our city.  If you’re interested in joining us, you can meet everyone Saturday morning at the Cross Point Bellevue campus at 9am (more information here). We’d love to have groups from your church, your office, your neighborhood, etc, come join us in being the hands and feet of Christ and serving our city.   If you can’t go, you can still give.

You make me new, You are making me new…

 

Gutted

May 13, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 19 Comments

Following the horrible flooding in Nashville last week, Cross Point Church organized and mobilized a group of 1,600 volunteers this past Saturday to serve the flood-ravaged neighborhoods of our city and help the families impacted by this disaster.  I was honored to be able to serve with so many amazing folks from my church.  Each team’s goal was to remove EVERYTHING in our respective assigned homes that the flood waters ruined, as quickly as possible, getting each home as construction-ready as we could so contractors could come in and begin the rebuild process.  I actually have several observations from my experience that day to blog about, but the one I want to talk about today is one that I’m the least comfortable with.

Every house in the neighborhood looked the same… empty, with piles and piles lined up on the street in front, consisting of drywall, insulation, tile, hardwood flooring, carpet and carpet pads, furniture, appliances, personal and household items, etc. In a word, every single house was GUTTED.  When we got to the house where part of my group spent most of the day, there was a team already hard at work, pulling out EVERYTHING.  It was not pretty.  It was violent, loud and messy.  It looked like complete chaos, but it was necessary.  The new could not be built on top of the old because the old was toxic and could not support what was coming next. I knew that soon, something beautiful would be rebuilt here, but for now, it was just smash, rip, break, pry, pound, tear and pull.

As I pounded, peeled and pried away at glued-down hard wood floors with a hammer and crow bar, deconstructing this home, watching wheelbarrow load after wheelbarrow load of debris being carted out, I couldn’t help but wonder to myself… “what now? What will these people do now?”

To us, we were removing debris, but to the homeowners we were removing memories.  I heard stories about an elderly musician who wept as he let go of his decades-old record collection which spoke to who he was, as well as a war veteran who struggled to throw away the memorabilia from his time in the service, which served as a reminder of who he was, but was now ruined. I can’t even begin to imagine the identity battle waged by each and every person as they parted with each ruined item, feeling like they were losing a piece of themselves in every item that was lost… or maybe I can.

Suddenly, I could not escape the analogy happening before my very eyes…

This is exactly how I have felt for the past 4 months of my life…

GUTTED.

something got inside that wasn’t supposed to be there…
the things I’ve pursued, acquired and prized no longer have value…
the things I held so closely that I thought defined me are now toxic…
what previously decorated what I had built is now just “debris“…
pulled out… violently… put into piles on the street…
preparing the way for what will be rebuilt…
smashed, ripped, broken and torn…
knowing something beautiful will soon come from this…
wondering for months, “what now? What will I do now?”

The picture at the top of this post is a perfect depiction of how I feel but have struggled to adequately articulate…

GUTTED.

We heard several people talking about the importance of getting everything that had been exposed to the toxic flood waters out of the house immediately, before mold set in, preparing the way for the rebuild.  My perspective was rocked as I thought about the work we did on that one flood-ravaged home and how it was paralleled by the work God is doing in my life.

With all that on my heart, then reading my friend Wes’ amazing post, I am reminded that no matter where I am or what I see, I can’t allow my present perspective to block my faith view of the story God is writing. I can’t get so stuck on the deconstruction that I fail to allow my heart to understand that deconstruction is actually part of the rebuild, it just doesn’t always look like it.  It may look like violent, loud and messy chaos right now, but the perspective is 1 Peter 5:10…

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (NIV)

The New King James Version of this same verse says God will “perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you“.  I love that visual… “…settle you.”

So, whether you are experiencing a deconstruction in your physical home, your career, your marriage, your faith, your finances or your life as as whole, my prayer for you today is that the God of all grace, after you have been GUTTED and suffered a little while, will himself restore, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you.

Have you ever felt “GUTTED”?

 
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