I recently came across this kinetic typography video by Peter Artemenko, featuring an excerpt of one of Timothy Keller’s sermons. I loved it!
After watching it a few times, I started hearing it against a beat of some kind. So I played around with it in iMovie for awhile and ended up with this… True & Better (The REMIX)… a 2 minute collision of TRUTH & THUMP. Keller goes street. Word to your mother.
Today is my birthday. Well, not MY birthday, but my blog’s birthday, rather. Today, An Idol Heart is one year old!
I started this blog one year ago today. When I decided to start An Idol Heart it was because my world had turned upside down and I wanted to start telling the story, even while it was unresolved.
This time a year ago, I had just walked away from my career of 8 years, I was unemployed, I was two months in to being at a new church and was a little over a month in to diving head first into a community group I had joined. I was struggling with how to let go of the things I had allowed my life to be defined by and I was falling apart.
On why I decided to name this blog An Idol Heart, I had recently come to understand that my heart was indeed “an idol factory that mass produces idols.” That was, at once, a very sobering yet dizzying realization, and one that still reverberates with me today. A couple months earlier I had finished reading Timothy Keller’s “Counterfeit Gods”, a book that, to put it simply, completely undid me.
Going back now to read what I wrote as my first post a year ago was a pretty emotional experience. At that time, I was so afraid. The false bottom I had built in my heart was falling out and I felt like I had nothing to work with… but words. I had no idea what the next day, let alone the next year would look like.
One year later, my story looks very different. I am now working in ministry on staff at Cross Point Church in Nashville, the church I had just come to when all this unraveling began to happen. The ministry I’ve received at Cross Point over the past year has done so much to heal my heart and teach me who I am. Now, I lead ministry teams there and get to help others. The community group I had just come to in hopes of finding new friends when my world was turning upside down has been immeasurably instrumental in how God has reshaped my life this past year. I now co-lead that group of around 150 people and get to regularly share my story of how God rescued me from the pursuit of myself, challenging others to embrace uncertainly, get out of their comfort zones and be intentional about how they invest in this “stretch between” season of their life.
More than anything though, I am learning more each day how my identity does not rest in where my check comes from, but rather where my help comes from and the finished work of Christ on the cross.
I still don’t know what tomorrow will look like and I’m learning to live by faith daily, but looking back over the past year, I know what it was about. God was after my heart. He wanted to rewire it and “make it again into another vessel”.
This past Friday night, Timothy Keller, whose ministry has been such a key part of my story, was in Nashville on a tour for his new book, “King’s Cross”. I went to hear him speak and also had the opportunity to personally thank him for his ministry and how God has used it to wreck and rebuild me.
He made a statement that I haven’t been able to shake since I heard it. Singularly giving perspective to much of the last year of my life, He said,
“Sometimes, the delays of Jesus are because of details and information that we don’t yet have access to. Ultimately, God gives you what you would have prayed for if you knew everything He knew.”
And there it is.
Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)
One year ago, my prayers were very different. I’m so thankful that God heard my prayers but still gave me what I would have asked for, had I only known. Not getting what I thought I wanted is the best thing that could have happened to me.
Over the past few months since I started blogging again, I think I’ve been pretty open and transparent about my story and this season in particular. From sharing my story publicly for the for the first time, talking very frankly about coming face to face with my pride and entitlement while embracing this next chapter of life, to discussing the condition of my heart that led me to this point… I’ve pretty much put it out there. Each post has been increasingly difficult to write, largely because I’m still walking it out. My story has not yet resolved and I still grapple with what that looks like every single day.
I’ll be writing more about this concept very soon, but it all comes down to this… my heart needed a detox. I had become intoxicated with career, high on image, and sick with success. As I’ve shared before, once I became aware of the condition of my heart, I very quickly wanted absolutely nothing to do with my career in the music industry. I wanted out as quick as possible, and out I got.
I do want to be clear about one thing: while every industry struggles with its own varying degrees of dysfunction, the place I ended up had very little to do with the industry I worked in and everything to do with what I looked to it for. The industry didn’t wear my heart out. I wore my own heart out by leaning into my career and work in the industry, looking for it to define and give me worth and identity… something it is ultimately ill-equipped to do.
For most of the past 6 months, the very thought of going back into the music business has almost given me anxiety. I was afraid of it. I wasn’t afraid of the “big, bad industry”, but rather of the “big, bad me” who I became in trying to find who I was in the context of the industry. I was afraid of becoming “that guy” again.
After recently sharing this with some close friends, I was challenged to understand that my reluctance to even consider reentering the industry was entirely a fear-based decision. I realized that if I choose to live out of a fear-based approach to life, that is actually unbelief in the work God is doing in my heart. My fear to move forward in my career was based on leaning on my own ability to not become “that guy” again, rather than leaning on God’s strength and power to mold and shape my heart daily. My decision and reluctance may appear noble, but it is nothing but reliance on self instead of the work of the cross in my life. That was a pretty sobering realization.
In his book, Counterfeit Gods, Tim Keller uses the context of human love to paint a striking picture of the way idolatry deceives our hearts:
If you are so afraid of love that you cannot have it, you are just as enslaved as those who must have it. If you are too afraid of love or too enamored with it, it has assumed God-like power, distorting your perceptions in your life.
Dang.
That’s real talk. While Keller may have been talking about human love, the same principle was certainly at work in my life as I went from being too enamored to being afraid in a matter of days. Thinking that walking away was enough, I failed to see that living in fear of something is just as controlling and idolatrous as living in adulation of it.
I suppose the best way to sum up where I am right now is to say that after months of wondering what was next for me, running from the “monster”, trying to get jobs in anything BUT the music world, my heart has finally turned a pretty significant page.
I’m not afraid anymore.
So now you may be asking, what does that mean, exactly?
It means I have finally found a place of peace with regard to what my heart thought it had to have and what it then was terrified to have.
It means whether I ever have it again or not, I’m not afraid of having it.
It means I know what defines me and what doesn’t.
It means if I do ever have it again, I’m not afraid of IT having ME.
It means I am moving forward.
Does that mean I’m taking a job back in the music world? I don’t know. At this moment there aren’t any jobs on the table to talk about. However, what it does mean is that whether I ever take another music job or not, I’m no longer afraid of what that might mean if it did happen.
If I believe 1 John 4:8…
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
… and if I believe Hebrews 12:6…
“The Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”
… then I have to believe that God allowed the bottom to fall out of my world because He loves me and wants to realign and awaken my heart to who He is.
In his book, Plan B, Pete Wilson says:
God will allow suffering, pain and crisis in order to detach hope from other things and attach it to himself.
That is 100% what has been happening in my life. Does that mean the struggle is over? Absolutely not. But it does mean I am more equipped to navigate the murky waters of my heart every single day that I wake up.
I’ve loved this song for a long time, but it has recently taken on even greater meaning in my life…
Israel Houghton - Moving ForwardYou make all things new, and I will follow You forward…
**At Cross Point, we just started a new series called “Be Rich” and Pete Wilson’s message yesterday, “Who’s Rich”, really struck a chord with me, convicted me on several levels and brought to mind this blog I wrote over 3 months ago when I first started blogging again. So, for all you Cross Pointer’s, this may be especially timely. For everyone else, I’m sure there’s something here for you too.
“I’ve got faith in the bank and money in my heart” (Derek Webb, lyrics from “I Want A Broken Heart”)
This particular season of my life I’m walking through has been full of all kinds of challenges and opportunities to choose to walk by faith, not by what I see. One such opportunity is in the area of finances.
The details aren’t important, but suffice it to say that this has been a real stretching period for me. Recently, I received a couple checks that I was not expecting at that time. It was a huge blessing, to say the least. The money came just in time and I was able to take care of some things that I needed to. I was able to briefly exhale a little bit, and it felt good.
Later that same day, it dawned on me that not only was I feeling pretty good about receiving this money, but I was actually feeling a bit too good about it. In fact, it occurred to me that getting this money had actually affected my heart response to this season I’m walking through. Yes, I was thankful to God for providing what I needed, but I quickly realized that the response in my emotions was not because I knew Christ was the unequivocal anchoring hope for my heart, but it was because of this little bit of money.
In a flash, I had allowed my heart to find strength in a few dollars. I felt so convicted. This ‘idol heart’ thing is no joke.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire beside you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:25-26
I have been working on being very intentional about focusing on Psalm 73:25-26 and reminding myself that God is the strength of my heart, not any amount of money. It is dangerous to lean into anything other than Christ for any degree of hope, security or identity.
I’ve been meditating on God being more than just Jehovah-Jireh my provider, but Jesus the Christ, my provision. He is more than my rent-payer, my grocery-buyer or the solution to any problem that can be solved with a Paypal transaction. He is the ultimate, eternal provision for a debt that no American Express Black card could pay… a life separated from Him by sin. More than I need my electric bill paid, I need a savior, a redeemer for my soul. If He alone does not anchor my heart, I’m in trouble.
My soul finds rest in God alone: my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock…I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1
Anything else that my heart finds hope or strength in is an impostor, a counterfeit god that needs to be evicted. God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Truth is, I can get, earn, save, and invest all I want, but I’ll never squeeze an ounce of peace out of it. (totally swiped that from Pete’s blog)
In his message yesterday, Pete Wilson asked us to consider this question:
“Which of these statements creates the most anxiety for you: There is no God or there is no money in the bank?
Wow. Selah.
Each week I read a lot of blogs and consume a lot of media, and I want to centralize some of my favorite finds of the week and share them. So I’m going to start doing a week in review, or a “weekly recapitulation” rather, of some cool stuff I’ve found online in the previous 7 days that fall under my primary blog topics of faith, life and culture. This will all be stuff that has inspired, challenged, encouraged or in some cases flat out entertained me this week, that i want to share with you. The goal is to do this over the weekend, but this one fell on Monday morning. Should be fun times. Here goes.
“In my regular, daily Bible reading over the past year I read through Proverbs 3, a passage I’ve studied and preached through many times. But during this reading, I realized that in verses 3 through 12 we have all the themes of the rest of the book, and therefore a kind of mini-guide to faithful living. There are five things that comprise a wise, godly life. They function both as means to becoming wise and godly as well as signs that you are growing into such a life.” – Timothy Keller
“At some point I’ve got to come to grips with the fact that my identity is not based on what I earn, what I have, or where I rank. At some point I have to realize this game is doing immense damage to my ultimate goal of Christ being formed in me.” – Pete Wilson
I loved this post and concept. I’ve been thinking a lot about personal goals and being much more intentional in my life, and this concept speaks directly to intentionally surrounding yourself with the right people to help you do life wisely. Love that.
“I didn’t realize the how significant of an impact my job satisfaction had on my family. Had no clue. I want my son to understand that your job matters. Not in the ways that the world thinks, but in terms of your impact. I want him to find what he’s passionate about and do it. He will be better for it. His family will be better for it. The world will be better for it. If that means lower pay, fewer benefits and fewer job security, so be it. Let everybody else be safe and miserable.” – Kevin Deshazo
In part 3 of his series, Randy shares, with great emotion, his gratitude to a few friends who have been very instrumental in shaping his life and who he has become. This is powerful and makes me think of the friends in my life who have played key roles in shaping who I have, and continue to, become.
I watched this show Friday night and loved it! The show was incredible and I hope it serves as a wake up call to people about what we’re putting in our bodies. The whole health/fitness/nutrition thing has become a big focus for me this year, and I’m excited to see this show develop.
These guys released their new album “Miracle” this past week and it is instantly one of my favorite albums of the year. The song “Awaken My Soul” makes me want to run a marathon, go skydiving or something! I love this album and will be doing a blog about it very soon. You can listen to it here, then buy it here.
The lead singer of Sigur Rós, Jónsi, is releasing his solo debut album April 6. In the meantime, he has released four videos of him and Nico Muhly doing undressed versions of songs from the upcoming album. Jónsi’s voice sounds particularly delicate on its own, so he and Muhly stick to just piano, guitar, or ukulele for each song. The sessions were filmed at Bethnal Green Working Men’s Club in London. AMAZING! Props to Stereogum for this!
