Learning How To Die

Tag Archive - struggle

Learning How To Die

April 22, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 55 Comments

Yesterday was a hard day.

If you’ve read my story, then you should be fairly up to speed on where I’m at in my life right now. If you haven’t, then you should go do that before proceeding so you’ll have some context for what I’m about to say.

When I shared my story on Justin & Trisha’s blog a couple weeks ago, I talked about how I’ve walked away from the career I’ve pursued for the past 8 years and have been looking for a job. Well, after a couple months of looking, I finally got a job on Tuesday and started yesterday.

I want to be very clear and make sure I convey that I am very grateful to now have employment and some income. I am more thankful than you may understand. At the same time, and in the context of the journey I’ve been documenting here on my blog, I also want to be very honest. So here goes…

When I got the call Tuesday afternoon and was officially hired, I was hit with a barrage of emotions. I felt a little relieved, kind of excited and I also hated it… all at the same time. Applying for a job you never really saw yourself doing is one thing. GETTING said job is an entirely different thing. “So, this is it,” I thought to myself. “Now what?” I was all over the emotional map, and it sucked. I could barely feel excited to actually have a job before I felt punched in the gut and if I may be perfectly honest with you, it hurt like hell.

At Cross Point right now, Pete Wilson is teaching a series on “Shattered Dreams” that is a companion to his forthcoming book “Plan B”. The crux of the “Plan B”/Shattered Dreams concept is “What do you do when God doesn’t show up the way you thought He would?”

This past Sunday Pete was talking about Joseph and all that happened to him on his journey from ostracized, rejected dreamer to the most powerful man in Egypt, second only to Pharaoh. One of the points he made that stuck out to me the most was “the value in your shattered dream is more about who you’re becoming than where you’re going.” The fact that Joseph eventually landed in a position of great influence, authority and leadership was a distant second to who he had become as a result of his life experiences, challenges and opportunities, all of which prepared him for said influence, authority and leadership. The destination is always trumped by the preparation.

I had to remind myself of that many times yesterday, my first day on my new job. The place that hired me isn’t one of the places I looked at first, second or third… it isn’t one of the places I was sure was a “good fit” for me or seemed like “the next thing.” Let me be clear and say there is NOTHING WRONG with the place that hired me. In fact, I’m sure I’ll enjoy working there. It just WASN’T IN MY PLANS. It felt like 2 + 2 = 30… it didn’t add up.

To be honest with you, I STRUGGLED yesterday.

I STRUGGLED with my Plan B…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like I had been sidelined…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like maybe I made the wrong decision…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like, “this is not what I came here for 8 years ago…”

Pretty much the entire time I was at work I felt like I was on the verge of breaking down. I prayed that I wouldn’t see anyone I knew… not today… not this day. I felt like a fish out of water and didn’t want anyone to catch me out of “my element.” Truth is, I’m not sure I even know what “my element” is anymore.

I’ve been on a journey to arrest and evict this pride and entitlement from my heart, but I found out yesterday that they are not going quietly. In fact, they are planting their heels, grabbing the door frames and kicking and screaming the entire way.

After work, I texted a close friend and told him how I felt. He replied saying, “He is after your heart”… a reminder I had given the same friend less than a week prior. It was a reminder I needed. It’s not about where I am… it’s about the posture and pursuit of my heart while I’m there. Looking at so many stories throughout the Bible, I am reminded that where I am at any given moment or season of life is probably exactly where I am supposed to be. There is value in every moment… sometimes it just looks different than what I would call “valuable.”

I have no idea where all this is going… none… ZERO… ZILCH. But I do remember Joseph, and I remember all the character-building and shaping moments that defined him more than any position he ever held. I remember that the value of this moment in my life is in who I am becoming, not where I am going. I remember 2 Corinthians 4:16…

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

This morning, I still have unanswered questions, yet I still trust… I still trust that God is writing a better story for me than I could ever write for myself… unexpected plot twists and all. I’m learning to embrace that story, and some days it is easier than others.

I’m learning how to let go… I’m learning how to embrace… I’m learning how to unlearn and rethink…

I’m learning how to die…

Anybody else?

The Weaning Of My Heart

March 17, 2010 in Faith with 6 Comments

For those of you who live in the Brentwood and Franklin areas of Nashville, did you hear all the commotion last night??? Gunshots, helicopters, artillery fire, flashes of light from IEDs, what sounded like a brigade of foot soldiers… it was crazy! Something straight out of an Oliver Stone epic, I tell you! It was nearly deafening! Surely you heard it and were wondering what in the world it was! I’ll tell you what it was… it was the war in my heart.

When I decided to start blogging again, I purposed in my heart that I wanted to be very honest. Since much of what I’m writing is very much what I am experiencing present-tense, it helps me weed out a lot of potential pretense and just share what is happening in my life and heart right now. So, when I write about things like being in “the middle”, it’s because that is very much where I am. The “middle” is rarely pretty or glamorous, but it is often the tension of “the middle” where the battles are fought, ground is taken and enemies conquered.

In his book Waking The Dead, John Eldredge said:

You won’t understand your life, you won’t see clearly what has happened to you or how to live forward from here, unless you see it as battle. A war against your heart.

As I’m walking out this “middle” season of my life right now, it is very much a constant heart battle between two realities… one that brings faith versus one that brings fear. What I am learning is that both faith and fear produce worship. Where my heart focuses, that will it also esteem. Faith is a focus on the unseen, on God, which produces a heart posture of worship directed toward the object of my focus. In that same way, fear is also focus and a form of worship as well.

I am not someone who is prone to much anxiety. Quite the contrary, actually. By nature I’m a very passionate, but also very easy-going, guy. As I was laying in bed last night trying to sleep, I was overwhelmed by an unrelenting barrage of “what ifs” and imagined outcomes. I was restless, breathless a few times and consumed with an over-all sense of helplessness, not knowing what “the middle” may hold for me. Through prayer and some time in my Bible, I regained my focus on God and found great comfort in 2 Corinthians 4 and Hebrews, as I reminded myself who God was and that He is in absolute control of what I’m walking through.

As I was recounting this experience to a friend this morning, I said something that gave me great perspective on what was happening. “I know what this is,” I said. “It’s the process to wean my heart off dependence on everything and everyone but God.”

Wow. There’s a visual for you.

I remember once hearing a preacher talk about the Hebrew roots of one of the names we use for God, El Shaddai. “El” points to the power of God Himself, while “Shaddai” is derived from another word meaning “breast”, which implies that “Shaddai” is “the breasted one” who nourishes, supplies and satisfies. It signifies ultimate sufficiency.

By definition, to “wean” is to:

accustom (someone) to managing without something on which they have become dependent or of which they have become excessively fond

When trouble or struggle comes, our my tendency is to latch onto what may be comfortable or familiar. These are usually things or people where we I have previously found a degree of solace, but which are ultimately insufficient to the anchoring of our my heart. These things may pacify, but do not satisfy. I know for myself, when life happens and throws a curve ball, my heart can tend to latch on to anything but Jesus. Meanwhile God, El Shaddai, the breasted one, stands by patiently desiring to wean my heart off what I can see in exchange for what I can’t see, the ultimate sufficiency that is found only in a heart that trusts and depends exclusively in Him.