Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of a significant moment in my story. One year ago yesterday was my first day on my then new job at Starbucks. The morning after my first day, I was overwhelmed, afraid and clueless as to what was happening in my life. That morning I wrote a blog post called “Learning How To Die.” I know, dramatic, huh?
But it was real, and I was learning how to die… to who I had become.
Sunday I made a decision I had been wrestling with for awhile.
Back story: I was baptized at the age of 11, during a revival at the church I grew up in. All the kids around my age were getting baptized and “saved” (which brings up theological issues that I don’t have the desire or patience to unpack here) around this time. While I don’t necessarily question my 11-year old sincerity at the time, I have often questioned my understanding of what exactly it was that I was doing. I had been in church all of my short 11 years and while I knew “church” very well and had been inundated with all degrees of religiosity, legalism and opinions and personal preferences sold as “doctrine”, I know for a fact that I did not know or “get” the Gospel.
In the denomination I grew up in, salvation wasn’t presented as by grace, through faith (Ephesians 2:8) in Christ ALONE, but rather it was sold as a proverbial “get out of hell, free” card. The salvation I grew up understanding and embracing wasn’t based on the cross, but rather on my ability to follow the formula, be good enough and adhere to enough rules that I would be acceptable to God which, from my experience, resulted in a whole lot of arrogance, self-righteousness and spiritual pride. THAT’S certainly not going to be a popular statement, but it is my story, nonetheless.
Looking back over my journey in the 23 years or so since then, I’ve gotten a lot of perspective and had a lot of time to think about what all that meant. Do I believe that I was “saved” to the greatest extent of my ignorance at that time? Yes. Do I still hold that experience as being sufficient and definitive of what it means to be a Christ follower in my life today? No.
A few months ago, someone asked me a question that is not all that uncommon in Christian circles, especially when you’re first getting to know someone.
“How long have you been a believer?”
My reply: “that’s a loaded question.” At that time, I was right in the middle of this whole season where Jesus was showing me my heart and subsequently wrecking it. Through a series of events which I have discussed quite candidly here, as well as some I haven’t talked about yet, my life had been wrecked and I understood, quite possibly for the first time in my life, exactly why I needed a savior. When I was asked that question, I realized that on one hand I had been a believer since 11 years old, but on another hand, and more importantly, perhaps only a few months. Over the course of the previous few months, the Gospel had dawned on me and I understood it in a way I never had before. Sure, I had “believed”, but NEVER like this. I realized that Christ’s goal wasn’t for me to stop going to the movies, wearing shorts or listening to rock music (don’t get me started), but rather to intentionally, passionately, relentlessly apprehend my heart.
Last week, Pete Wilson sent a tweet that said:
The pain of self-awareness can be the beginning of spiritual transformation. Stop dodging yourself.
If ever there was a statement to encapsulate the past several years of my life, it was that one. All the painful and heart-wrenching months that had led up to right now were also transforming me in ways I could see and some I can’t yet. And yes, I had been religiously and methodically dodging coming face to face with myself for so long. When it finally happened, it undid and changed me.
All of that leads up to the present. For the past couple months I’ve been contemplating and wrestling with the idea of getting baptized again. I wanted to do it to mark this particular moment of my life in a public way and to say to God, “I am doing THIS, with understanding and gratitude of what You did and are doing.” So why was I wrestling with it? It’s simple. Pride. I was so afraid of what people might think, possibly not knowing my story, wondering why I’m JUST getting baptized, etc. I mean, SURELY, by 35 years old… I’ve already done THAT! God forbid anyone think I’m not who they perceived me to be!!! #pridesucks #faithfail
I wrestled with it for weeks, discussed it with some close friends but eventually talked myself out of it, though in my heart I knew I really wanted to do it. I knew that Baptism Sunday was coming up at Cross Point, but I just couldn’t bring myself to commit and follow through. I woke up this past Sunday morning a little upset with myself that I couldn’t seem to move forward past this stupid pride and fear and just do it.
As I was sitting in the 10am service, Blake Bergstrom brought a powerful message about the love of the Father, His passionate pursuit of our heart and jealousy for our affection… a theme I’ve recently been stuck on and blogged about. As the message ended, the worship team started to lead “How He Loves”. As soon as I heard them sing “He is jealous for me…”, I broke and knew today was the day. While I stood there and worshipped God, watching others be baptized, I decided that I would kick the pride and just do it. TODAY.
After the 10am service I shared with Blake what I wanted to do and why. I stayed for the 11:30 service and when it was time, I took the step, moved past my fear and stepped into the water with an understanding of what this meant and was baptized. I am proud to say that no stretchy pants were used in my baptism.
We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. (Romans 6:4)
I did it for me. I did it for my heart. I did it to publicly identify myself with the death and resurrection of Christ and what that means in my life every single day.
It is 5:17am and I cannot sleep. Ugh.
As I’ve been walking out this life/heart overhaul journey, the past 4 months in particular, I have been learning a LOT about myself and what my heart is prone to reach for and bow to when the heat is on. I’m going to be honest with you. When the end of the month rolls around, I find myself getting nervous, not sure how it’s all going to come together, not sure if I’ll be able to pay my rent, worrying about finances. These end-of-month times are a reminder to me that I haven’t yet let go of as much as I sometimes think I have. It’s a reminder to me that I’m still looking around me, trying to figure out how to make it happen, instead of looking up and fully trusting that God is going to take care of me.
I STRUGGLE with that.
There are several times in this season when I’ve had to ask friends for help, sometimes even to take care of the smallest things. And I have HATED it. Each time, it has been preceded by a fierce battle with my pride. I know I have people in my life who love me, and who are more than willing to do whatever they can to help. But the truth is, in my heart, I’m so afraid of being “that guy.”
You know “that guy”…
“That guy” who never has it together…
“That guy” who always needs something…
“That guy” is always asking for something…
“That guy” who can never seem to make it work…
Oh my God, how my pride has kicked and screamed. It’s almost like taking the ring from Gollum. (If you haven’t seen or read Lord Of The Rings you won’t get that reference). My heart has battled within itself over my reality versus what I want to portray as my reality. There is a scene in Lord Of The Rings where Gollum fights the internal war between what his pride tells him (which is not true) and what he knows is the truth. It is a nasty, schizophrenic battle. I know I’m not the only one who watches that and knows exactly what it feels like to fight that battle.
My heart loves to glory in the image of not being “that guy”. Yes… “we wants it… we needs it… my precious…”
I told a friend yesterday that I am realizing the implications of my pride in this area. I’m learning that there is really nothing that separates me from “that guy”, and who am I to think I’m better than being perceived as “that guy.” Sometimes the only thing separating us from “that guy” is a phone call… a decision… a layoff… a divorce… just… life.
The truth is, I AM “THAT GUY”…
I am “that guy” who still doesn’t know what it looks like to really trust God for what he needs…
I am “that guy” who feels like asking for help means I’m not trusting God…
I am “that guy” who doesn’t want you to think I am “that guy”…
I am “that guy” who lets his pride win but his heart lose…
But…
I am also “that guy” who is a son of God (Romans 8:15)…
I am also “that guy” who is the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21)…
I am also “that guy” who has God’s power working in me (Ephesians 3:20)…
I am also “that guy” who is never separated from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39)…
What has two thumbs and needs a healer for his heart in the worst way? THIS GUY.
Yesterday was a hard day.
If you’ve read my story, then you should be fairly up to speed on where I’m at in my life right now. If you haven’t, then you should go do that before proceeding so you’ll have some context for what I’m about to say.
When I shared my story on Justin & Trisha’s blog a couple weeks ago, I talked about how I’ve walked away from the career I’ve pursued for the past 8 years and have been looking for a job. Well, after a couple months of looking, I finally got a job on Tuesday and started yesterday.
I want to be very clear and make sure I convey that I am very grateful to now have employment and some income. I am more thankful than you may understand. At the same time, and in the context of the journey I’ve been documenting here on my blog, I also want to be very honest. So here goes…
When I got the call Tuesday afternoon and was officially hired, I was hit with a barrage of emotions. I felt a little relieved, kind of excited and I also hated it… all at the same time. Applying for a job you never really saw yourself doing is one thing. GETTING said job is an entirely different thing. “So, this is it,” I thought to myself. “Now what?” I was all over the emotional map, and it sucked. I could barely feel excited to actually have a job before I felt punched in the gut and if I may be perfectly honest with you, it hurt like hell.
At Cross Point right now, Pete Wilson is teaching a series on “Shattered Dreams” that is a companion to his forthcoming book “Plan B”. The crux of the “Plan B”/Shattered Dreams concept is “What do you do when God doesn’t show up the way you thought He would?”
This past Sunday Pete was talking about Joseph and all that happened to him on his journey from ostracized, rejected dreamer to the most powerful man in Egypt, second only to Pharaoh. One of the points he made that stuck out to me the most was “the value in your shattered dream is more about who you’re becoming than where you’re going.” The fact that Joseph eventually landed in a position of great influence, authority and leadership was a distant second to who he had become as a result of his life experiences, challenges and opportunities, all of which prepared him for said influence, authority and leadership. The destination is always trumped by the preparation.
I had to remind myself of that many times yesterday, my first day on my new job. The place that hired me isn’t one of the places I looked at first, second or third… it isn’t one of the places I was sure was a “good fit” for me or seemed like “the next thing.” Let me be clear and say there is NOTHING WRONG with the place that hired me. In fact, I’m sure I’ll enjoy working there. It just WASN’T IN MY PLANS. It felt like 2 + 2 = 30… it didn’t add up.
To be honest with you, I STRUGGLED yesterday.
I STRUGGLED with my Plan B…
I STRUGGLED with feeling like I had been sidelined…
I STRUGGLED with feeling like maybe I made the wrong decision…
I STRUGGLED with feeling like, “this is not what I came here for 8 years ago…”
Pretty much the entire time I was at work I felt like I was on the verge of breaking down. I prayed that I wouldn’t see anyone I knew… not today… not this day. I felt like a fish out of water and didn’t want anyone to catch me out of “my element.” Truth is, I’m not sure I even know what “my element” is anymore.
I’ve been on a journey to arrest and evict this pride and entitlement from my heart, but I found out yesterday that they are not going quietly. In fact, they are planting their heels, grabbing the door frames and kicking and screaming the entire way.
After work, I texted a close friend and told him how I felt. He replied saying, “He is after your heart”… a reminder I had given the same friend less than a week prior. It was a reminder I needed. It’s not about where I am… it’s about the posture and pursuit of my heart while I’m there. Looking at so many stories throughout the Bible, I am reminded that where I am at any given moment or season of life is probably exactly where I am supposed to be. There is value in every moment… sometimes it just looks different than what I would call “valuable.”
I have no idea where all this is going… none… ZERO… ZILCH. But I do remember Joseph, and I remember all the character-building and shaping moments that defined him more than any position he ever held. I remember that the value of this moment in my life is in who I am becoming, not where I am going. I remember 2 Corinthians 4:16…
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
This morning, I still have unanswered questions, yet I still trust… I still trust that God is writing a better story for me than I could ever write for myself… unexpected plot twists and all. I’m learning to embrace that story, and some days it is easier than others.
I’m learning how to let go… I’m learning how to embrace… I’m learning how to unlearn and rethink…
I’m learning how to die…
This morning I came across this blog speaking of John Piper’s announcement that he is taking an 8-month leave of absence from ministry, which he announced this weekend at his home church, Bethlehem Baptist Church. As I watched the video of his announcement, I was stunned. Not shocked, but stunned by the grace with which Piper is walking out the call on his life, all the while consistently communicating the Gospel. It should not be a surprise, but Piper’s candor and transparency is such an exception to what we tend to see in this age of the personality-centric church culture.
“As I have stood back in recent months and looked at my own soul—my own sanctification, my own measures self-denial or self-serving—and my marriage and family and ministry patterns, I have felt an increasing need for a serious assessment—a kind of reality check in the light of God’s word. Am I living in the mindset and the pattern of life that Jesus calls for here in Mark 8:31-38, especially in relation to those I love most?
On the one hand, I love my Lord, my wife, my five children and their families first and foremost; and I love my work of preaching and writing and leading Bethlehem. I hope the Lord gives me at least five more years as the pastor for preaching and vision at Bethlehem.
But on the other hand, I see several species of pride in my soul that, while they may not rise to the level of disqualifying me for ministry, grieve me, and have taken a toll on my relationship with Noël and others who are dear to me. How do I apologize to you, not for a specific deed, but for ongoing character flaws, and their effects on everybody? I’ll say it now, and no doubt will say it again, I’m sorry. Since I don’t have just one deed to point to, I simply ask for a spirit of forgiveness; and I give you as much assurance as I can that I am not making peace, but war, with my own sins.” – John Piper
That, ladies and gentlemen, is the mark of grace on one’s life.
It is all relative, and I would not even begin to compare my story to John Piper’s, but I can certainly relate to the need to lay things down and walk away from something to reassess your heart, spirit and become more in tune with the things your heart is prone to. I am in the middle of that very thing right now and Piper’s leave of absence and the grace with which he communicates it have rocked my heart all over again today.
Here is Piper’s blog post about the leave of absence. You can read a transcript of his entire sermon, “The Son of man Must Suffer Many Things” here, or watch the entire sermon here.
I have seen and heard many “leaders” who would do well to take notes from Piper’s announcement and the posture of humility with which he approaches this particular season of his life. There are many much less-influential “leaders” looking out for their image, their reputation and their “brand”… but who is stepping back to look at their own soul and how that impacts and affects everything else? You don’t hear much about that these days.
This is powerful and I am praying for John Piper, his family, his church and all those who will now have an opportunity to see what it looks like to be a disciple of Christ through his obedience and sensitivity to God’s leading in his life.
God, give us the grace the hear You over all the noise, the wisdom to know when it is time to step away and the courage to trust You and actually do it.
