Tag Archive - my story

Gutted

May 13, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 19 Comments

Following the horrible flooding in Nashville last week, Cross Point Church organized and mobilized a group of 1,600 volunteers this past Saturday to serve the flood-ravaged neighborhoods of our city and help the families impacted by this disaster.  I was honored to be able to serve with so many amazing folks from my church.  Each team’s goal was to remove EVERYTHING in our respective assigned homes that the flood waters ruined, as quickly as possible, getting each home as construction-ready as we could so contractors could come in and begin the rebuild process.  I actually have several observations from my experience that day to blog about, but the one I want to talk about today is one that I’m the least comfortable with.

Every house in the neighborhood looked the same… empty, with piles and piles lined up on the street in front, consisting of drywall, insulation, tile, hardwood flooring, carpet and carpet pads, furniture, appliances, personal and household items, etc. In a word, every single house was GUTTED.  When we got to the house where part of my group spent most of the day, there was a team already hard at work, pulling out EVERYTHING.  It was not pretty.  It was violent, loud and messy.  It looked like complete chaos, but it was necessary.  The new could not be built on top of the old because the old was toxic and could not support what was coming next. I knew that soon, something beautiful would be rebuilt here, but for now, it was just smash, rip, break, pry, pound, tear and pull.

As I pounded, peeled and pried away at glued-down hard wood floors with a hammer and crow bar, deconstructing this home, watching wheelbarrow load after wheelbarrow load of debris being carted out, I couldn’t help but wonder to myself… “what now? What will these people do now?”

To us, we were removing debris, but to the homeowners we were removing memories.  I heard stories about an elderly musician who wept as he let go of his decades-old record collection which spoke to who he was, as well as a war veteran who struggled to throw away the memorabilia from his time in the service, which served as a reminder of who he was, but was now ruined. I can’t even begin to imagine the identity battle waged by each and every person as they parted with each ruined item, feeling like they were losing a piece of themselves in every item that was lost… or maybe I can.

Suddenly, I could not escape the analogy happening before my very eyes…

This is exactly how I have felt for the past 4 months of my life…

GUTTED.

something got inside that wasn’t supposed to be there…
the things I’ve pursued, acquired and prized no longer have value…
the things I held so closely that I thought defined me are now toxic…
what previously decorated what I had built is now just “debris“…
pulled out… violently… put into piles on the street…
preparing the way for what will be rebuilt…
smashed, ripped, broken and torn…
knowing something beautiful will soon come from this…
wondering for months, “what now? What will I do now?”

The picture at the top of this post is a perfect depiction of how I feel but have struggled to adequately articulate…

GUTTED.

We heard several people talking about the importance of getting everything that had been exposed to the toxic flood waters out of the house immediately, before mold set in, preparing the way for the rebuild.  My perspective was rocked as I thought about the work we did on that one flood-ravaged home and how it was paralleled by the work God is doing in my life.

With all that on my heart, then reading my friend Wes’ amazing post, I am reminded that no matter where I am or what I see, I can’t allow my present perspective to block my faith view of the story God is writing. I can’t get so stuck on the deconstruction that I fail to allow my heart to understand that deconstruction is actually part of the rebuild, it just doesn’t always look like it.  It may look like violent, loud and messy chaos right now, but the perspective is 1 Peter 5:10…

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (NIV)

The New King James Version of this same verse says God will “perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you“.  I love that visual… “…settle you.”

So, whether you are experiencing a deconstruction in your physical home, your career, your marriage, your faith, your finances or your life as as whole, my prayer for you today is that the God of all grace, after you have been GUTTED and suffered a little while, will himself restore, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you.

Have you ever felt “GUTTED”?

 

Rebuild In Progress…

April 27, 2010 in Faith, Life with 53 Comments

rebuild in progress

This morning I was going to town on my Macbook Pro… reading blogs, writing blogs, checking Twitter, replying to emails, listening to the new Carlos Whittaker record, you know… just multi-taking like a boss in general. All of a sudden, everything kind of slowed down and a screen popped up that informed me “there is a problem with your main identity.” (an ‘identity’ is a personal profile in Entourage that houses all your info, settings and preferences, and personalizes your experience with Microsoft Office for Mac)

I was given the option to “verify database integrity” or ignore and close.  Selecting to “verify database integrity” would check for database corruption. If problems were found, I can then choose to rebuild the database or not.  Ignoring the issue and closing would be a quick fix to get me back to the task at hand, but it would not fix what was actually wrong.

I selected “verify database integrity” and it started doing it’s thing. It took quite a long time.  Finally, the verification was complete and it confirmed that indeed, problems were found with my database.  From there, I could choose to “Rebuild” the database, or “exit without rebuilding.”  I knew there was a problem, but had to make a choice.  What was I do to?

As soon as I clicked “Rebuild”, the next screen said “Rebuild In Progress…”, stuck there, and it hit me like a ton of bricks…

It was a little over a year ago when the screen popped up on my life, informing me there was a “problem with my main identity.”  The following 9 months were certainly a verification process, identifying problem areas.  Finally, earlier this year, after months of status checking, it was revealed that indeed there was a database issue…

bad inputs…

wrong outputs…

improper file paths…

problems with my contacts…

objects pointing to the wrong source…

Once I realized there was a problem, I had a choice to make.  I could choose to “ignore and close”. I could have kept going, knowing about the problem, but functioning a partial power.  Instead, I chose to “rebuild”.

It has been almost 4 months now and in a lot of ways, I feel like my screen has been stuck on “Rebuild in progress…”.   Some days I am encouraged when I see marked progress and growth, while other days feel like this season is going to last forever.  Yeah, “dot, dot, dot” indeed.

This Sunday at Cross Point, Pete was talking about waiting on God.  He talked about the story of Lazarus and how Lazarus’ sister, Martha had confronted Jesus when he finally arrived after Lazarus had been dead four days.  “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” (John 11:21)  Here we find Martha putting her hope in Jesus’ “activity” rather than in His “identity”.  It would have been worth more to Martha for Jesus to show up and heal Lazarus when he was sick, but Jesus knew the real worth was in who he WAS, not what he DID.

In recounting this story, Pete made the following point:

“God will allow suffering, pain and crisis in order to detach hope from other things and attach it to himself.”

In Martha’s case, Jesus wanted her hope detached from his action, and attached to his person; detached from from his activity, and attached to his identity. The vehicle he allowed to get her there was suffering and pain.

In my case, God wanted my hope detached from finding my identity in my career, and attached to the cross; detached from “doing” and attached to “being”. The vehicle he has allowed to get me there has been disappointment and crisis.

In the very next verse, Martha then confesses, “but I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” (John 11:17-22)

She chose.  She didn’t choose to ignore, exit and live in a place of pain, attached to a shattered dream.  She chose to rebuild; to rebuild with a hope attached to who Jesus was, not what he did.

All of this reminds me that change is a choice.

There are many things in life that corrupt our “main identity.”  It is so easy to find ourselves wandering, drifting, looking for another savior.  Sure, you don’t set out to do it, but before you know it, you look up and have database issues that have corrupted your info, settings and preferences.  You say you want God, but you really want what you think he can give you.  Or maybe you don’t even want God at all, or at least not nearly as much as you want a family, a beach body or the corner office at work.

Once we become aware there is a problem, we are also presented with the opportunity to choose. We have a choice to rebuild.  Ignoring, exiting and avoiding the situation is a quick fix, but it is no real solution. Rebuilding is a process, sometimes a long one.  Rebuilding speaks to fixing holes in the foundation.

Pete also said this week, “is is possible that you will live out your deepest and truest purpose not by doing, but by waiting?”  Wow.  Your character is revealed in the choices you make in the waiting… in the middle… in the rebuilding.  This goes hand in hand with what he said last week, “the value in your shattered dream is more about who you’re becoming than where you’re going.”

Rebuilding is not just a single choice, but a series of consistent choices which point to a desired result or destination.  The fact is, whether you are aware of it or not, you are choosing SOMETHING right now.  What are you choosing?

Want to change?  Choose.
Later today when doubt grips your heart, choose again.
When you wake up tomorrow and feel alone, choose again.
Tomorrow afternoon, when you are tempted to despair, choose again.

You may be tempted to click “done” right now and move to a place of avoidance, but let me encourage you to fight.  Choose to rebuild.  Maybe your rebuild is taking longer than you thought it would, the status bar is creeping and you’re about to click “cancel.”  Don’t. Rebuilding is a fight… every… single… day.  It is the fight of your life, but it is worth it.  You must choose.

Is your “Rebuild in progress…”?  What are you choosing?

 

Learning How To Die

April 22, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 55 Comments

Yesterday was a hard day.

If you’ve read my story, then you should be fairly up to speed on where I’m at in my life right now.  If you haven’t, then you should go do that before proceeding so you’ll have some context for what I’m about to say.

When I shared my story on Justin & Trisha’s blog a couple weeks ago, I talked about how I’ve walked away from the career I’ve pursued for the past 8 years and have been looking for a job.  Well, after a couple months of looking, I finally got a job on Tuesday and started yesterday.

I want to be very clear and make sure I convey that I am very grateful to now have employment and some income. I am more thankful than you may understand.  At the same time, and in the context of the journey I’ve been documenting here on my blog, I also want to be very honest. So here goes…

When I got the call Tuesday afternoon and was officially hired, I was hit with a barrage of emotions.  I felt a little relieved, kind of excited and I also hated it… all at the same time.   Applying for a job you never really saw yourself doing is one thing.  GETTING said job is an entirely different thing.  “So, this is it,” I thought to myself. “Now what?”  I was all over the emotional map, and it sucked.  I could barely feel excited to actually have a job before I felt punched in the gut and if I may be perfectly honest with you, it hurt like hell.

At Cross Point right now, Pete Wilson is teaching a series on “Shattered Dreams” that is a companion to his forthcoming book “Plan B”.  The crux of the “Plan B”/Shattered Dreams concept is “What do you do when God doesn’t show up the way you thought He would?”

This past Sunday Pete was talking about Joseph and all that happened to him on his journey from ostracized, rejected dreamer to the most powerful man in Egypt, second only to Pharaoh.  One of the points he made that stuck out to me the most was “the value in your shattered dream is more about who you’re becoming than where you’re going.” The fact that Joseph eventually landed in a position of great influence, authority and leadership was a distant second to who he had become as a result of his life experiences, challenges and opportunities, all of which prepared him for said influence, authority and leadership.  The destination is always trumped by the preparation.

I had to remind myself of that many times yesterday, my first day on my new job.  The place that hired me isn’t one of the places I looked at first, second or third… it isn’t one of the places I was sure was a “good fit” for me or seemed like “the next thing.” Let me be clear and say there is NOTHING WRONG with the place that hired me. In fact, I’m sure I’ll enjoy working there.  It just WASN’T IN MY PLANS.  It felt like 2 + 2 = 30… it didn’t add up.

To be honest with you, I STRUGGLED yesterday.

I STRUGGLED with my Plan B…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like I had been sidelined…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like maybe I made the wrong decision…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like, “this is not what I came here for 8 years ago…”

Pretty much the entire time I was at work I felt like I was on the verge of breaking down. I prayed that I wouldn’t see anyone I knew… not today… not this day.  I felt like a fish out of water and didn’t want anyone to catch me out of “my element.”  Truth is, I’m not sure I even know what “my element” is anymore.

I’ve been on a journey to arrest and evict this pride and entitlement from my heart, but I found out yesterday that they are not going quietly. In fact, they are planting their heels, grabbing the door frames and kicking and screaming the entire way.

After work, I texted a close friend and told him how I felt. He replied saying, “He is after your heart”… a reminder I had given the same friend less than a week prior.  It was a reminder I needed.  It’s not about where I am… it’s about the posture and pursuit of my heart while I’m there.  Looking at so many stories throughout the Bible, I am reminded that where I am at any given moment or season of life is probably exactly where I am supposed to be. There is value in every moment… sometimes it just looks different than what I would call “valuable.”

I have no idea where all this is going… none… ZERO… ZILCH.  But I do remember Joseph, and I remember all the character-building and shaping moments that defined him more than any position he ever held.  I remember that the value of this moment in my life is in who I am becoming, not where I am going.  I remember 2 Corinthians 4:16…

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

This morning, I still have unanswered questions, yet I still trust… I still trust that God is writing a better story for me than I could ever write for myself… unexpected plot twists and all. I’m learning to embrace that story, and some days it is easier than others.

I’m learning how to let go… I’m learning how to embrace… I’m learning how to unlearn and rethink…

I’m learning how to die…

Anybody else?

 

He Teaches My Heart To Recover

April 15, 2010 in Faith, Fitness, Health, My Story, Uncategorized with 27 Comments

In 2007 I lived in Dallas, had a really great (and great-paying) job and for the first time in my life got a personal trainer.  It was a great experience and over the course of about 7 months of rigorous, targeted training and focused nutrition, I dropped about 55 lbs and felt incredible. (more on all that in a future post)  I don’t think I had ever been more focused or dedicated on achieving something in my life.  I worked my butt off (literally) and learned a valuable spiritual lesson in the process.

When I first started working out with Sean (my trainer), there were quite a few pretty difficult, turbulent and down-right “what the @#&% are you doing to me!?!” moments.  I had a gym membership that I used every so often, but didn’t really have any focus, direction or general clue how to go about targeting my efforts to achieve specific results.  Sean helped me change all that.

Early on in our sessions, he would have me doing some CRAZY cardio exercises that made me want to thrash him with a resistance band.  It wasn’t just cardio.  It was cardio on crack.  He would have me do some crazy aggressive exercise, getting my heart rate up in thirty second to one minute increments, then stop, rest for 30 seconds to one minute, then do it again, and again and again and again.   I remember the first time we did this, my body was rebelling and I asked him what this was supposed to accomplish.  Actually, I’m sure it didn’t sound nearly that eloquent.  It was probably more like, “WHAT… *GASP GASP GASP*… ARE… *GASP WHEEZE GASP WHEEZE*… YOU… *WHEEZE WHEEZE*… DOING… *GASP GASP DRY HEAVE*… TO ME?!?!?”

I will never forget what he told me next.

“I’m teaching your heart to recover,” he said.

He explained this would “shock” my heart: spike my heart rate and stop just as my heart rate peaked, allow it to return to a good resting zone, then return to the violent cardio aggression.  The purpose of this was to allow my heart to build up an endurance to the cardio assault, enable it to recover quicker and empower it to operate more efficiently and get ready for the next round.  Sean knew my body weight, the limits of where he could push my heart rate and when to stop me to recover and repeat the process again.

Early on, it took a long time for my heart rate to recover to a good resting zone.  However, as the weeks and months went by, the cardio segments got longer and the rest periods got shorter as my heart gradually began to recover quicker and quicker.

I have never forgotten that.

Looking back over the past several years of my life, and particularly the past year, I can see a distinct pattern.   I’ve experienced cycles of the “spiking” heart rate of uncertainty and transition followed by resting periods of peace and stability.  My life has been marked by the hand of God, the”great trainer”, who has always known exactly when to stop the action just before my heart peaked, and allowed me just enough time to recover, only to start again.  From where I stand at this very moment of my life, I have absolutely no idea what is next or even what the next 24 hours will hold for me.  However, the last few weeks and months have shown me that with each season that my heart has been “shocked”, I find myself bouncing back and recovering quicker than before. On several levels, my heart should be pounding right now, but it’s not.

I had one such instance a couple days ago when my heart was tested, and my reaction taught me a lot about what this journey I’ve been on.  The more my heart learns to anchor its hope and identity exclusively in the cross, the quicker it recovers and keeps moving, ready for the next spike.  The more I have learned to trust the trainer to teach my heart to recover, the more I see the results in how my heart responds to the spikes.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.

In Psalm 23, David said of the Lord, “He restores my soul.”  The Message translation says “you let me catch my breath.”

I know what he means.

It’s not Psalm 23, but scribbled somewhere on the pages of my life are the words:

“I will bless the Lord, my trainer. He teaches my heart to recover.”


What practical life lessons have you learned that you’ve been able to apply to your faith life?

 

My Story, Chapter 1: The Conflict

March 15, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 18 Comments

I love a good story.  There’s something about watching someone experience, struggle through and grow from a challenge that does something unique for my heart.  I don’t know exactly when I realized it, but I’ve known for quite some time now that I’ve been living out a story, with the days of my life providing a narrative pointing to the glory and purpose of God.  I’ve believed this for awhile, but it was about a year ago when I was reminded that the story being told is always greater than the sum of the characters in the cast.

About this time last year, I experienced a key element of any compelling story: the conflict, or as I blogged about and alluded to before, an “inciting event.”  The conflict is a struggle between two people or things in a story.  Conflict is a vital literary device that takes a story from run-of-the-mill to rousing.  The main character is usually on one side of the main conflict.  On the other side, the main character may struggle against another important character, against the forces of nature, against society, or even against something inside himself or herself (feelings, emotions, illness).  Conflict is the opposition of forces which ties one incident to another and makes the plot move.

There are 2 types of conflict: external and internal.  External conflict is a struggle with a force outside one’s self while internal conflict is a struggle within one’s self.  In my case, I experienced an external conflict that served as a catalyst for internal conflict.

Honestly, I’m still trying to find the balance of exactly how much of this story I want to share and when, especially since I’m still very much walking it out.  In the interest of keeping focused on the main theme I want to communicate, I will just say that I experienced an external professional conflict.  Besides, the “what” is not nearly as important as the “why” that it brought to the surface.

I found myself in a situation that appeared to be a threat to what I deemed to be “success” in my career.  All other various elements and specifics aside, I went into a bit of a tailspin.  Actually, that’s an understatement.  My heart freaked out.

One night I found myself walking around in my back yard for about two hours, on the phone with one of my best friends, Tyson, talking through the particulars of the situation. Actually, I wasn’t talking as much as I was venting, searching for answers, grasping for any semblance of purpose in the midst of what otherwise appeared to be utter chaos and disorder descending on my life.

As I rambled on in my confused and fearful state, I will never forget what happened next.  Being the great friend that he is, Tyson heard me out and then asked me the following question: “what are you afraid of losing?”

It sounds simple enough, but that was the crack in the dam for me and the question that would ultimately change how I would see everything.

To be continued…

Have you identified a major “conflict” moment in your life that you can point to as the moment everything changed for you?

 
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