It is 5:17am and I cannot sleep. Ugh.
As I’ve been walking out this life/heart overhaul journey, the past 4 months in particular, I have been learning a LOT about myself and what my heart is prone to reach for and bow to when the heat is on. I’m going to be honest with you. When the end of the month rolls around, I find myself getting nervous, not sure how it’s all going to come together, not sure if I’ll be able to pay my rent, worrying about finances. These end-of-month times are a reminder to me that I haven’t yet let go of as much as I sometimes think I have. It’s a reminder to me that I’m still looking around me, trying to figure out how to make it happen, instead of looking up and fully trusting that God is going to take care of me.
I STRUGGLE with that.
There are several times in this season when I’ve had to ask friends for help, sometimes even to take care of the smallest things. And I have HATED it. Each time, it has been preceded by a fierce battle with my pride. I know I have people in my life who love me, and who are more than willing to do whatever they can to help. But the truth is, in my heart, I’m so afraid of being “that guy.”
You know “that guy”…
“That guy” who never has it together…
“That guy” who always needs something…
“That guy” is always asking for something…
“That guy” who can never seem to make it work…
Oh my God, how my pride has kicked and screamed. It’s almost like taking the ring from Gollum. (If you haven’t seen or read Lord Of The Rings you won’t get that reference). My heart has battled within itself over my reality versus what I want to portray as my reality. There is a scene in Lord Of The Rings where Gollum fights the internal war between what his pride tells him (which is not true) and what he knows is the truth. It is a nasty, schizophrenic battle. I know I’m not the only one who watches that and knows exactly what it feels like to fight that battle.
My heart loves to glory in the image of not being “that guy”. Yes… “we wants it… we needs it… my precious…”
I told a friend yesterday that I am realizing the implications of my pride in this area. I’m learning that there is really nothing that separates me from “that guy”, and who am I to think I’m better than being perceived as “that guy.” Sometimes the only thing separating us from “that guy” is a phone call… a decision… a layoff… a divorce… just… life.
The truth is, I AM “THAT GUY”…
I am “that guy” who still doesn’t know what it looks like to really trust God for what he needs…
I am “that guy” who feels like asking for help means I’m not trusting God…
I am “that guy” who doesn’t want you to think I am “that guy”…
I am “that guy” who lets his pride win but his heart lose…
But…
I am also “that guy” who is a son of God (Romans 8:15)…
I am also “that guy” who is the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21)…
I am also “that guy” who has God’s power working in me (Ephesians 3:20)…
I am also “that guy” who is never separated from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39)…
What has two thumbs and needs a healer for his heart in the worst way? THIS GUY.
Are you “that guy”?
