A Year And Some Change

Tag Archive - identity

A Year And Some Change

February 28, 2011 in Blogging, Encouragement, My Story with 16 Comments

Today is my birthday. Well, not MY birthday, but my blog’s birthday, rather. Today, An Idol Heart is one year old!

I started this blog one year ago today. When I decided to start An Idol Heart it was because my world had turned upside down and I wanted to start telling the story, even while it was unresolved.

This time a year ago, I had just walked away from my career of 8 years, I was unemployed, I was two months in to being at a new church and was a little over a month in to diving head first into a community group I had joined. I was struggling with how to let go of the things I had allowed my life to be defined by and I was falling apart.

On why I decided to name this blog An Idol Heart, I had recently come to understand that my heart was indeed “an idol factory that mass produces idols.” That was, at once, a very sobering yet dizzying realization, and one that still reverberates with me today. A couple months earlier I had finished reading Timothy Keller’s “Counterfeit Gods”, a book that, to put it simply, completely undid me.

Going back now to read what I wrote as my first post a year ago was a pretty emotional experience. At that time, I was so afraid. The false bottom I had built in my heart was falling out and I felt like I had nothing to work with… but words. I had no idea what the next day, let alone the next year would look like.

One year later, my story looks very different. I am now working in ministry on staff at Cross Point Church in Nashville, the church I had just come to when all this unraveling began to happen. The ministry I’ve received at Cross Point over the past year has done so much to heal my heart and teach me who I am. Now, I lead ministry teams there and get to help others. The community group I had just come to in hopes of finding new friends when my world was turning upside down has been immeasurably instrumental in how God has reshaped my life this past year. I now co-lead that group of around 150 people and get to regularly share my story of how God rescued me from the pursuit of myself, challenging others to embrace uncertainly, get out of their comfort zones and be intentional about how they invest in this “stretch between” season of their life.

More than anything though, I am learning more each day how my identity does not rest in where my check comes from, but rather where my help comes from and the finished work of Christ on the cross.

I still don’t know what tomorrow will look like and I’m learning to live by faith daily, but looking back over the past year, I know what it was about. God was after my heart. He wanted to rewire it and “make it again into another vessel”.

This past Friday night, Timothy Keller, whose ministry has been such a key part of my story, was in Nashville on a tour for his new book, “King’s Cross”. I went to hear him speak and also had the opportunity to personally thank him for his ministry and how God has used it to wreck and rebuild me.

He made a statement that I haven’t been able to shake since I heard it. Singularly giving perspective to much of the last year of my life, He said,

“Sometimes, the delays of Jesus are because of details and information that we don’t yet have access to. Ultimately, God gives you what you would have prayed for if you knew everything He knew.”

And there it is.

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)

One year ago, my prayers were very different. I’m so thankful that God heard my prayers but still gave me what I would have asked for, had I only known. Not getting what I thought I wanted is the best thing that could have happened to me.

What life perspective have you seen while looking back over the things you have been through?

Grounded

December 15, 2010 in Community, Faith, My Story with 11 Comments

I haven’t been on an airplane in a year. More specifically, I haven’t been on a plane in about one year, 1 day, 14 hours. Even more specifically, I walked off the last flight I took when it landed back in Nashville on Sunday, December 13, 2009 at 7:07 pm.

Leading up to that moment, I spent much of the previous 7 and a half years living on planes and busses, in hotels and airports. Did I have some amazing experiences? Yes. Do I have incredible memories and stories? Yes. Did that lifestyle make it terribly difficult for me to have much consistency in my life? Yes.

Looking back, the irony of the moment I stepped off that last flight stands in stark contrast with what would happen only weeks later. Interestingly enough, I had been on a calculated pursuit to achieve Platinum frequent flyer status on American Airlines that year. Finally, with my crazy travel schedule, strategic planning, bonus miles and program challenges, I hit Platinum status with that last flight… and I thought it actually meant something.

As I exited the plane that night, there I was… feeling accomplished and proud. Now, among all the other things I had attached to my identity, I was “Platinum”.

I had no idea that after spending years flying the friendly skies, I was about to be grounded.

To further clutter the mix, thrown in with all my work travel over the years, I’ve also lived in 11 places over the past 9 years. Taking all that into consideration, it just recently dawned on me that for the first time in perhaps 10 years, I have something I’ve long wanted: home.

This is literally the first time in 10 years that I have spent a year living in one place, not on the road, having a home church where I’m involved, having a close community of friends I’m investing in, a close community of friends regularly investing in my life, and feeling like I have a steady place to call home… all at the same time. Is everything perfect right now? No, but it’s consistent.

For the first time in a very long time, my heart feels something I don’t know when it last felt… Established… Rooted… Grounded.

If you’ve followed my story much, you know this year has certainly been the toughest I’ve seen in many ways. However, I’m beginning to better understand the loving, grounding work of the Father.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith–that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. – Ephesians 3:14-19

This has been a most painful, yet the most necessary, process and year for me. Yet I have no losses to count. I have no regrets to maintain. In fact, all I can find is gratitude.

“And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” – 1 Peter 5:10 (NIV)

The illusion of success has faded and the Platinum has lost its shine. But having my plans grounded has produced a beautifully redemptive grounding work of Christ in my life. And I’m thankful.

Moving Forward

July 8, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 25 Comments

Over the past few months since I started blogging again, I think I’ve been pretty open and transparent about my story and this season in particular. From sharing my story publicly for the for the first time, talking very frankly about coming face to face with my pride and entitlement while embracing this next chapter of life, to discussing the condition of my heart that led me to this point… I’ve pretty much put it out there. Each post has been increasingly difficult to write, largely because I’m still walking it out. My story has not yet resolved and I still grapple with what that looks like every single day.

I’ll be writing more about this concept very soon, but it all comes down to this… my heart needed a detox. I had become intoxicated with career, high on image, and sick with success. As I’ve shared before, once I became aware of the condition of my heart, I very quickly wanted absolutely nothing to do with my career in the music industry. I wanted out as quick as possible, and out I got.

I do want to be clear about one thing: while every industry struggles with its own varying degrees of dysfunction, the place I ended up had very little to do with the industry I worked in and everything to do with what I looked to it for. The industry didn’t wear my heart out. I wore my own heart out by leaning into my career and work in the industry, looking for it to define and give me worth and identity… something it is ultimately ill-equipped to do.

For most of the past 6 months, the very thought of going back into the music business has almost given me anxiety. I was afraid of it. I wasn’t afraid of the “big, bad industry”, but rather of the “big, bad me” who I became in trying to find who I was in the context of the industry. I was afraid of becoming “that guy” again.

After recently sharing this with some close friends, I was challenged to understand that my reluctance to even consider reentering the industry was entirely a fear-based decision. I realized that if I choose to live out of a fear-based approach to life, that is actually unbelief in the work God is doing in my heart. My fear to move forward in my career was based on leaning on my own ability to not become “that guy” again, rather than leaning on God’s strength and power to mold and shape my heart daily. My decision and reluctance may appear noble, but it is nothing but reliance on self instead of the work of the cross in my life. That was a pretty sobering realization.

In his book, Counterfeit Gods, Tim Keller uses the context of human love to paint a striking picture of the way idolatry deceives our hearts:

If you are so afraid of love that you cannot have it, you are just as enslaved as those who must have it. If you are too afraid of love or too enamored with it, it has assumed God-like power, distorting your perceptions in your life.

Dang.

That’s real talk. While Keller may have been talking about human love, the same principle was certainly at work in my life as I went from being too enamored to being afraid in a matter of days. Thinking that walking away was enough, I failed to see that living in fear of something is just as controlling and idolatrous as living in adulation of it.

I suppose the best way to sum up where I am right now is to say that after months of wondering what was next for me, running from the “monster”, trying to get jobs in anything BUT the music world, my heart has finally turned a pretty significant page.

I’m not afraid anymore.

So now you may be asking, what does that mean, exactly?

It means I have finally found a place of peace with regard to what my heart thought it had to have and what it then was terrified to have.

It means whether I ever have it again or not, I’m not afraid of having it.

It means I know what defines me and what doesn’t.

It means if I do ever have it again, I’m not afraid of IT having ME.

It means I am moving forward.

Does that mean I’m taking a job back in the music world? I don’t know. At this moment there aren’t any jobs on the table to talk about. However, what it does mean is that whether I ever take another music job or not, I’m no longer afraid of what that might mean if it did happen.

If I believe 1 John 4:8…

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

… and if I believe Hebrews 12:6…

“The Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”

… then I have to believe that God allowed the bottom to fall out of my world because He loves me and wants to realign and awaken my heart to who He is.

In his book, Plan B, Pete Wilson says:

God will allow suffering, pain and crisis in order to detach hope from other things and attach it to himself.

That is 100% what has been happening in my life. Does that mean the struggle is over? Absolutely not. But it does mean I am more equipped to navigate the murky waters of my heart every single day that I wake up.

I’ve loved this song for a long time, but it has recently taken on even greater meaning in my life…

Israel Houghton - Moving Forward

You make all things new, and I will follow You forward…

Is there something in your life you need to move forward past?

Gutted

May 13, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 19 Comments

Following the horrible flooding in Nashville last week, Cross Point Church organized and mobilized a group of 1,600 volunteers this past Saturday to serve the flood-ravaged neighborhoods of our city and help the families impacted by this disaster. I was honored to be able to serve with so many amazing folks from my church. Each team’s goal was to remove EVERYTHING in our respective assigned homes that the flood waters ruined, as quickly as possible, getting each home as construction-ready as we could so contractors could come in and begin the rebuild process. I actually have several observations from my experience that day to blog about, but the one I want to talk about today is one that I’m the least comfortable with.

Every house in the neighborhood looked the same… empty, with piles and piles lined up on the street in front, consisting of drywall, insulation, tile, hardwood flooring, carpet and carpet pads, furniture, appliances, personal and household items, etc. In a word, every single house was GUTTED. When we got to the house where part of my group spent most of the day, there was a team already hard at work, pulling out EVERYTHING. It was not pretty. It was violent, loud and messy. It looked like complete chaos, but it was necessary. The new could not be built on top of the old because the old was toxic and could not support what was coming next. I knew that soon, something beautiful would be rebuilt here, but for now, it was just smash, rip, break, pry, pound, tear and pull.

As I pounded, peeled and pried away at glued-down hard wood floors with a hammer and crow bar, deconstructing this home, watching wheelbarrow load after wheelbarrow load of debris being carted out, I couldn’t help but wonder to myself… “what now? What will these people do now?”

To us, we were removing debris, but to the homeowners we were removing memories. I heard stories about an elderly musician who wept as he let go of his decades-old record collection which spoke to who he was, as well as a war veteran who struggled to throw away the memorabilia from his time in the service, which served as a reminder of who he was, but was now ruined. I can’t even begin to imagine the identity battle waged by each and every person as they parted with each ruined item, feeling like they were losing a piece of themselves in every item that was lost… or maybe I can.

Suddenly, I could not escape the analogy happening before my very eyes…

This is exactly how I have felt for the past 4 months of my life…

GUTTED.

something got inside that wasn’t supposed to be there…

the things I’ve pursued, acquired and prized no longer have value…

the things I held so closely that I thought defined me are now toxic…

what previously decorated what I had built is now just “debris“…

pulled out… violently… put into piles on the street…

preparing the way for what will be rebuilt…

smashed, ripped, broken and torn…

knowing something beautiful will soon come from this…

wondering for months, “what now? What will I do now?”

The picture at the top of this post is a perfect depiction of how I feel but have struggled to adequately articulate…

GUTTED.

We heard several people talking about the importance of getting everything that had been exposed to the toxic flood waters out of the house immediately, before mold set in, preparing the way for the rebuild. My perspective was rocked as I thought about the work we did on that one flood-ravaged home and how it was paralleled by the work God is doing in my life.

With all that on my heart, then reading my friend Wes’ amazing post, I am reminded that no matter where I am or what I see, I can’t allow my present perspective to block my faith view of the story God is writing. I can’t get so stuck on the deconstruction that I fail to allow my heart to understand that deconstruction is actually part of the rebuild, it just doesn’t always look like it. It may look like violent, loud and messy chaos right now, but the perspective is 1 Peter 5:10…

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (NIV)

The New King James Version of this same verse says God will “perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you“. I love that visual… “…settle you.”

So, whether you are experiencing a deconstruction in your physical home, your career, your marriage, your faith, your finances or your life as as whole, my prayer for you today is that the God of all grace, after you have been GUTTED and suffered a little while, will himself restore, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you.

Have you ever felt “GUTTED”?

Rebuild In Progress…

April 27, 2010 in Faith, Life with 53 Comments

This morning I was going to town on my Macbook Pro… reading blogs, writing blogs, checking Twitter, replying to emails, listening to the new Carlos Whittaker record, you know… just multi-taking like a boss in general. All of a sudden, everything kind of slowed down and a screen popped up that informed me “there is a problem with your main identity.” (an ‘identity’ is a personal profile in Entourage that houses all your info, settings and preferences, and personalizes your experience with Microsoft Office for Mac)

I was given the option to “verify database integrity” or ignore and close. Selecting to “verify database integrity” would check for database corruption. If problems were found, I can then choose to rebuild the database or not. Ignoring the issue and closing would be a quick fix to get me back to the task at hand, but it would not fix what was actually wrong.

I selected “verify database integrity” and it started doing it’s thing. It took quite a long time. Finally, the verification was complete and it confirmed that indeed, problems were found with my database. From there, I could choose to “Rebuild” the database, or “exit without rebuilding.” I knew there was a problem, but had to make a choice. What was I do to?

As soon as I clicked “Rebuild”, the next screen said “Rebuild In Progress…”, stuck there, and it hit me like a ton of bricks…

It was a little over a year ago when the screen popped up on my life, informing me there was a “problem with my main identity.” The following 9 months were certainly a verification process, identifying problem areas. Finally, earlier this year, after months of status checking, it was revealed that indeed there was a database issue…

bad inputs…

wrong outputs…

improper file paths…

problems with my contacts…

objects pointing to the wrong source…

Once I realized there was a problem, I had a choice to make. I could choose to “ignore and close”. I could have kept going, knowing about the problem, but functioning a partial power. Instead, I chose to “rebuild”.

It has been almost 4 months now and in a lot of ways, I feel like my screen has been stuck on “Rebuild in progress…”. Some days I am encouraged when I see marked progress and growth, while other days feel like this season is going to last forever. Yeah, “dot, dot, dot” indeed.

This Sunday at Cross Point, Pete was talking about waiting on God. He talked about the story of Lazarus and how Lazarus’ sister, Martha had confronted Jesus when he finally arrived after Lazarus had been dead four days. “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” (John 11:21) Here we find Martha putting her hope in Jesus’ “activity” rather than in His “identity”. It would have been worth more to Martha for Jesus to show up and heal Lazarus when he was sick, but Jesus knew the real worth was in who he WAS, not what he DID.

In recounting this story, Pete made the following point:

“God will allow suffering, pain and crisis in order to detach hope from other things and attach it to himself.”

In Martha’s case, Jesus wanted her hope detached from his action, and attached to his person; detached from from his activity, and attached to his identity. The vehicle he allowed to get her there was suffering and pain.

In my case, God wanted my hope detached from finding my identity in my career, and attached to the cross; detached from “doing” and attached to “being”. The vehicle he has allowed to get me there has been disappointment and crisis.

In the very next verse, Martha then confesses, “but I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” (John 11:17-22)

She chose. She didn’t choose to ignore, exit and live in a place of pain, attached to a shattered dream. She chose to rebuild; to rebuild with a hope attached to who Jesus was, not what he did.

All of this reminds me that change is a choice.

There are many things in life that corrupt our “main identity.” It is so easy to find ourselves wandering, drifting, looking for another savior. Sure, you don’t set out to do it, but before you know it, you look up and have database issues that have corrupted your info, settings and preferences. You say you want God, but you really want what you think he can give you. Or maybe you don’t even want God at all, or at least not nearly as much as you want a family, a beach body or the corner office at work.

Once we become aware there is a problem, we are also presented with the opportunity to choose. We have a choice to rebuild. Ignoring, exiting and avoiding the situation is a quick fix, but it is no real solution. Rebuilding is a process, sometimes a long one. Rebuilding speaks to fixing holes in the foundation.

Pete also said this week, “is is possible that you will live out your deepest and truest purpose not by doing, but by waiting?” Wow. Your character is revealed in the choices you make in the waiting… in the middle… in the rebuilding. This goes hand in hand with what he said last week, “the value in your shattered dream is more about who you’re becoming than where you’re going.”

Rebuilding is not just a single choice, but a series of consistent choices which point to a desired result or destination. The fact is, whether you are aware of it or not, you are choosing SOMETHING right now. What are you choosing?

Want to change? Choose.

Later today when doubt grips your heart, choose again.

When you wake up tomorrow and feel alone, choose again.

Tomorrow afternoon, when you are tempted to despair, choose again.

You may be tempted to click “done” right now and move to a place of avoidance, but let me encourage you to fight. Choose to rebuild. Maybe your rebuild is taking longer than you thought it would, the status bar is creeping and you’re about to click “cancel.” Don’t. Rebuilding is a fight… every… single… day. It is the fight of your life, but it is worth it. You must choose.