Greatest Hits Of 2010

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Greatest Hits Of 2010

December 27, 2010 in Blogging, Life with 5 Comments

2010 has been an unforgettable year, full of ups, downs and life-shaping moments at every turn.

I started this blog in March of this year just to start telling the story that was unfolding in my life, often on a daily basis. Many of the posts here have been painful, gut-wrenching… written in moments of both faith and fear… through hope, confusion and tears… they have unwittingly chronicled the unscripted metamorphosis of my heart.

By the grace of God, I can honestly say I am ending this year a very different person than when it began. I am excited about what is being built on the new foundation in my life, and can’t wait to see what 2011 will bring!

With 2010 coming to a close, I’m counting down the top 5 most popular/commented posts this year on AnIdolHeart.com over the next 5 days. Whether you’re discovering my blog for the first time, or a casual reader rediscovering posts you may have missed, I hope you connect with something you read over the next few days.

Check back each day as I countdown to the most popular post this year.

#5 My Story: The Next Chapter (post from September 9, 2010)

#4 Rebuild In Progress (post from April 27, 2010)

#3 Pastor Barbie & Pulpit Culture (post from April 13, 2010)

#2 Learning How To Die (post from April 22, 2010)

#1 What I Thought I Wanted, What I Got Instead (post from June 4, 2010)

Thank you all for your love, encouragement and support as I have walked out my story through the posts, comments and discussions here. Thank you for walking out the journey with me, for sharing the posts with others and for bravely adding your voices and sharing your stories here as well. We are better together.

Do you have a favorite post from any I’ve shared this year?

My Story: The Next Chapter

September 9, 2010 in Faith, My Story with 52 Comments

I’ve been waiting to be able to share this news on the latest development in my life, and I’m so excited that I’m now able to!

I have accepted a position on staff at Cross Point Church here in Nashville and will be joining the Cross Point Family Ministries team in the role of FX Director.

FX is a Family Experience created to help connect kids and their parents with God’s Big Ideas together. Between our Live Experience once a month and our weekly Home Experience Tools, our passion is to provide the environments we all need to discover the Word of God as a family, together.

There are incredible teams of singers, musicians, actors, dancers, leaders, techs and more who work tirelessly throughout each month to make the FX Live Family Experience happen 5 times on 4 Cross Point campuses all in one morning once a month. That’s like, amazing! I can’t wait to start digging in, dreaming and creating with these folks. My first day on the job is this Sunday, September 12, which is also this month’s FX Live day! It’s going to be a great day!

I’m excited about this for many reasons. I’m excited to serve the families of Cross Point and be a conduit for God’s heart for strengthening and building the family. In my role as FX Director, I’ll be plugging in across the board, working closely with the Family Ministries leadership team and the FX teams at all 4 Cross Point campuses on production, content, leadership, programming, organizational, media, creative and other levels. So on one hand, it also feels amazing to once again have the opportunity to dive into something that engages so many different areas of my passions, experience and skill sets, many of which I thought I may have had to pack away and never tap into again. I also love that I’m going to get to do this and still co-lead and invest into the amazing STRETCH community group that is such a big part of my life and significant part of my story (more on that soon).

But perhaps the main reason I’m so excited and humbled by this opportunity may have less to do with the actual job than with what it actually represents for me, and that is not just resolution, but redemption. If you’ve been reading my blog for long, you’re probably familiar with my story. This has been a year of gutting and rebuilding unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and there were a lot of painful times that I didn’t understand. To be honest, I still don’t understand it all, but I’ll tell you what I do know: I am not the same person I was a year ago.

The more I have resigned my right to control, abandoned my entitled pursuit of the answers and chosen to surrender to the story God was writing with my life, my heart has changed.

I am grateful for every single broken moment over these past several months when I have felt like a failure… every single frustrated moment that I struggled to make sense of… every single breathless, uncertain moment when I had run out of words to say.

Those moments taught me what was in my heart.

Those moments taught me how to pry my fingers from around what I thought I deserved.

Those moments taught me how to live open handed.

Those moments taught me the value of living with the questions.

Those moments taught me that God was engaged in a passionate pursuit of my heart.

In every single one of those moments, I had a choice: to believe that my current situation was my destination or to believe that the real value of each moment was more about who I was becoming than where I was going. It wasn’t ever without a struggle, but the more I chose the latter, the more my heart was able to exhale, release its grip on what I thought I had to have and who I thought I had to be, and the more perspective I had on what I was walking through.

God has used Cross Point and the community I’ve found there to heal my heart in so many ways. In the relatively short time I’ve been at Cross Point I’ve had the opportunity to plug in and engage in what God is doing there on several levels and it has changed my life. Those of you who have walked closely with me over the last several months may understand this better than others, but after many months of waiting, hoping and wondering what was next, for THIS to be what was waiting for me, and to have the opportunity to invest with the Cross Point team in this way, is an incredibly redemptive chapter in my ever-evolving story in more ways than I can explain right now.

I have much more to write and share about all this, but for now I just want to say…

God is faithful…

and Let’s do this!

Rebuild In Progress…

April 27, 2010 in Faith, Life with 53 Comments

This morning I was going to town on my Macbook Pro… reading blogs, writing blogs, checking Twitter, replying to emails, listening to the new Carlos Whittaker record, you know… just multi-taking like a boss in general. All of a sudden, everything kind of slowed down and a screen popped up that informed me “there is a problem with your main identity.” (an ‘identity’ is a personal profile in Entourage that houses all your info, settings and preferences, and personalizes your experience with Microsoft Office for Mac)

I was given the option to “verify database integrity” or ignore and close. Selecting to “verify database integrity” would check for database corruption. If problems were found, I can then choose to rebuild the database or not. Ignoring the issue and closing would be a quick fix to get me back to the task at hand, but it would not fix what was actually wrong.

I selected “verify database integrity” and it started doing it’s thing. It took quite a long time. Finally, the verification was complete and it confirmed that indeed, problems were found with my database. From there, I could choose to “Rebuild” the database, or “exit without rebuilding.” I knew there was a problem, but had to make a choice. What was I do to?

As soon as I clicked “Rebuild”, the next screen said “Rebuild In Progress…”, stuck there, and it hit me like a ton of bricks…

It was a little over a year ago when the screen popped up on my life, informing me there was a “problem with my main identity.” The following 9 months were certainly a verification process, identifying problem areas. Finally, earlier this year, after months of status checking, it was revealed that indeed there was a database issue…

bad inputs…

wrong outputs…

improper file paths…

problems with my contacts…

objects pointing to the wrong source…

Once I realized there was a problem, I had a choice to make. I could choose to “ignore and close”. I could have kept going, knowing about the problem, but functioning a partial power. Instead, I chose to “rebuild”.

It has been almost 4 months now and in a lot of ways, I feel like my screen has been stuck on “Rebuild in progress…”. Some days I am encouraged when I see marked progress and growth, while other days feel like this season is going to last forever. Yeah, “dot, dot, dot” indeed.

This Sunday at Cross Point, Pete was talking about waiting on God. He talked about the story of Lazarus and how Lazarus’ sister, Martha had confronted Jesus when he finally arrived after Lazarus had been dead four days. “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” (John 11:21) Here we find Martha putting her hope in Jesus’ “activity” rather than in His “identity”. It would have been worth more to Martha for Jesus to show up and heal Lazarus when he was sick, but Jesus knew the real worth was in who he WAS, not what he DID.

In recounting this story, Pete made the following point:

“God will allow suffering, pain and crisis in order to detach hope from other things and attach it to himself.”

In Martha’s case, Jesus wanted her hope detached from his action, and attached to his person; detached from from his activity, and attached to his identity. The vehicle he allowed to get her there was suffering and pain.

In my case, God wanted my hope detached from finding my identity in my career, and attached to the cross; detached from “doing” and attached to “being”. The vehicle he has allowed to get me there has been disappointment and crisis.

In the very next verse, Martha then confesses, “but I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” (John 11:17-22)

She chose. She didn’t choose to ignore, exit and live in a place of pain, attached to a shattered dream. She chose to rebuild; to rebuild with a hope attached to who Jesus was, not what he did.

All of this reminds me that change is a choice.

There are many things in life that corrupt our “main identity.” It is so easy to find ourselves wandering, drifting, looking for another savior. Sure, you don’t set out to do it, but before you know it, you look up and have database issues that have corrupted your info, settings and preferences. You say you want God, but you really want what you think he can give you. Or maybe you don’t even want God at all, or at least not nearly as much as you want a family, a beach body or the corner office at work.

Once we become aware there is a problem, we are also presented with the opportunity to choose. We have a choice to rebuild. Ignoring, exiting and avoiding the situation is a quick fix, but it is no real solution. Rebuilding is a process, sometimes a long one. Rebuilding speaks to fixing holes in the foundation.

Pete also said this week, “is is possible that you will live out your deepest and truest purpose not by doing, but by waiting?” Wow. Your character is revealed in the choices you make in the waiting… in the middle… in the rebuilding. This goes hand in hand with what he said last week, “the value in your shattered dream is more about who you’re becoming than where you’re going.”

Rebuilding is not just a single choice, but a series of consistent choices which point to a desired result or destination. The fact is, whether you are aware of it or not, you are choosing SOMETHING right now. What are you choosing?

Want to change? Choose.

Later today when doubt grips your heart, choose again.

When you wake up tomorrow and feel alone, choose again.

Tomorrow afternoon, when you are tempted to despair, choose again.

You may be tempted to click “done” right now and move to a place of avoidance, but let me encourage you to fight. Choose to rebuild. Maybe your rebuild is taking longer than you thought it would, the status bar is creeping and you’re about to click “cancel.” Don’t. Rebuilding is a fight… every… single… day. It is the fight of your life, but it is worth it. You must choose.

Is your “Rebuild in progress…”? What are you choosing?

Pastor Barbie & Pulpit Culture

April 13, 2010 in Faith, Leadership, My Story with 55 Comments

I was asked by Wes to share my story with our community group Sunday night. It’s been awhile since I’ve done any sort of public speaking and although I think I stumbled through it a little, I feel it went pretty well.

After leaving, I sent a tweet saying “Blogging about my story is one thing, sharing it in front of 40 people in my community group is another. Grateful for this journey”. I got a reply from Makeda saying “you sharing your story so courageously is giving others permission to be courageous too so keep telling it.”

Have you ever been around someone who is always full of fear, and before you knew it you find yourself just feeling fearful out of the blue? What about someone who is just bursting at the seams with faith? I don’t care how discouraged you may be, you can’t be around that kind of person long without your faith being built. And what about courage? If you spend much time in the company of a courageous person it makes you feel brave and courageous.

Fear begets fear.

Faith begets faith.

Courage begets courage.

I’d like to introduce you to Pastor Barbie, however I have a feeling she needs no introduction. In fact, if you’re like me you have been well acquainted with Pastor Barbie for a very, very long time. I’m really not interested in discussing the theology of the Biblical justification or legitimacy of Barbie’s pastorate or whether or not she should wear make-up, cover her head when she prays or speak in tongues when non-believers are present in the service. Just flow with the metaphor here…

Pastor Barbie doesn’t cuss, gossip and covets neither her neighbor’s livestock nor flat-screen HD television. Pastor Barbie doesn’t speed, listen to secular music and never leaves home without her Bible. Pastor Barbie doesn’t struggle with porn, has never had an abortion and her husband, Co-Pastor Ken, is the first and only man she kissed, but not until they said “I do,” of course. Pastor Barbie doesn’t drink, chew or run with those who do. Pastor Barbie has never doubted, always trusted and rarely wondered.

In fact, she’s kind of… perfect. You know Pastor Barbie.

Pastor Barbie has never done ANYTHING wrong, let alone thought about it. She walks right, spits white and is a pristine model of salvation and shining beacon of the light of Jesus to every one of the perfect plastic people in her church. Except… *GASP*… the perfect plastic people in her church aren’t really perfect or plastic. In fact, they are very real, have very real struggles, fight very real battles each and every day and have doubts and questions. And there, ladies and gentlemen, is where we have a conflict.

You see, when Pastor Barbie’s congregation looks at her, they believe they see what faith should look like. But they are conflicted, so they struggle, wrestle and feel defeated, confident that something must be wrong with them because, after all, “if Pastor Barbie isn’t struggling, why am I?” There is a disconnect between what they see and what they feel, so they ignore what they feel and the great masquerade deepens in their quest to one day be as “spiritual” as Pastor Barbie.

I grew up in a “Pastor Barbie” setting where no one ever confessed or admitted to struggling with ANYTHING, especially anyone in any kind of leadership role. Never. Ever. This created an environment where we would jump through all kinds of religious hoops and be really good at “church”, but really suck at life.

“Pastor Barbie” churches present a pretense-soaked, dysfunctional and unrealistic PULPIT CULTURE that, in turn, creates and nurtures an equally, if not more so, pretense-soaked, dysfunctional and unrealistic PEW CULTURE.

I’ve been thinking about the whole pulpit culture/pew culture concept lately, and observing the huge difference between what I have spent much of my life accustomed to compared with what I am experiencing at Cross Point Church, where I now attend.

Prior to coming to Cross Point, I had never been part of a church where such a radical and courageous transparency was the norm and so much a part of that church’s DNA. Earlier this year, when speaking about Freedom From Sexual Sin, Pete Wilson stood in the pulpit and said “there is no other sin in my life that has made me feel more more shameful, more beat up and more destroyed than sexual sin. Nothing.”… and I about fell out of my seat. Are you kidding me?!?! I can count on one finger the times when I have heard a pastor be so real and vulnerable, and this was it. It really struck me and I couldn’t help but wonder, “why is this the exception?!?!”

In dramatic contrast to “Pastor Barbie” churches, Cross Point has created an honest, real-life and transformational PULPIT CULTURE which, in turn, creates and nurtures an equally, if not more so, honest, real-life and transformational PEW CULTURE.

The people you lead are a mirror and the PEW CULTURE at your church or organization is quite often a direct reflection of the PULPIT CULTURE shaped by the leadership.

There is something wildly contagious about the humbly transparent yet courageous spirit of a Pete Wilson… or a Justin Davis to so openly share the testimony about his affair and God’s redemption and restoration of his family… or a Blake Bergstrom being so boldly, unpredictably, uniquely and unashamedly “Blake”… that empowers people to embrace that same courage, step forward and say “here’s my story.” I’m not sure that Sheila, the former crackhead prostitute, would feel welcome at Pastor Barbie’s church.

Whether intentionally or unintentionally, they have created a PULPIT CULTURE that does not claim to be perfect, but is as close a reflection of what I believe to be the heart of the Father than anything I’ve ever encountered.

There is something about giving people permission to be broken that brings healing.

That. Rocks. Me.

…and it scares the hell out of the enemy of our souls!

I am so grateful to God for leading me to Cross Point and for the genuine community I have discovered there. I am encouraged by each limp that I see and seeing the scars is showing me hope. It is the fellowship of the redeemed, restored and redefined… and it is healing my heart. Cross Point truly is a place where “everybody’s welcome, nobody’s perfect and anything is possible”… and for the first time in my life, I truly believe that.