Tag Archive - entitlement

My Guest Post for “Man Week” at The Rain

Today I am guest-posting over at Rainmakers & Stormchasers. I was so honored when Jenny asked me to participate in her Man Week blog series.  Honestly, it still amazes me that people are actually interested in what I have to say on any level.  Sharing my journey in a public forum like my blog has been very healing for me personally. Then for my story to be resonating and finding an audience with so many people who I’ve never met is incredibly humbling.

When it came time to write my guest post for Jenny, I’ve got to be honest, I once again found myself in a “middle” season where I’m living and walking out what I know will be my next series of blogs. As such, I have had a terrible time trying to write about what’s happening right now. So instead of forcing it, I decided to share with you a post I wrote a couple months ago, which adequately describes the stripping process of God in my life, the transformation progression and also pretty much frames where I find myself at this very moment. The words aren’t new, but the message is still fresh and speaks to me every time I read it. I hope you are encouraged and challenged by this piece of my journey.

READ MY GUEST POST: What I Thought I Wanted, What I Got Instead


 

What I Thought I Wanted, What I Got Instead

After walking away from my career and spending months trying to figure out what was happening in my life, I finally got hired and started a new job 7 weeks ago.  I’m thankful to have this job, but I applied and interviewed for jobs that made MUCH more sense to me, but I did not get them.  What I have now is NOT the job I hoped for, but it is the job that hired me.  It was NOT what I wanted, but it is what I got instead.

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)

The past 7 weeks have been a bit of a blur and a series of one hard lesson after another.  On almost a daily basis I come face to face with the deep-seeded entitlement that has been wedged in my heart for years.

Entitlement… It’s “what I deserve”.

Lately I’ve been trying to dig deeper into why my heart has struggled so much through all this.  The truth is, I know exactly why: deep in my heart I think I’m better, think I deserve better and think I’ve earned the right to not have to work this kind of job at this point in my life. I’ve “been there” and “done that”.  How’s that for honesty?

The idolatry of what we think we deserve is a thief, robbing us of perspective and truth in the moments God uses to deepen our lives.

There have been moments over the past few weeks when I’ve had brief glimpses of revelation and lucidity (bonus points for use of “lucidity”), but for the most part I remain clueless about where my life is headed right now.  Some days I find myself being able to embrace the uncertainty of this season better than others, and some days my heart feels like it is in an absolute free fall. There are days when my heart is full of fear, simply because it is more prone to reach for ANYTHING other than God as an anchor and source of hope and security.

The other day I was hanging out with my friend Wes, who has quickly become a close friend of mine.  I was sharing (er, venting) with him about how I felt about what all is happening right now, and I said (in frustration), “THIS just isn’t where my life is right now!” As if to say, “at THIS point in my life I should have THIS job with THIS income, THIS life…”  Wes’ reply? “But Grant, this IS where your life is right now.”

……….

@#$%@*!

Reality check.

He was right. Regardless of how I feel about where I should or shouldn’t be at this point in my life, and regardless of the expectations I have formed in my own heart about where I feel I’m entitled to be at this point, you know what?  This is exactly where my life is right now, and being frustrated, stubborn and ungrateful isn’t going to change that.

I am learning that my entitlement makes me a slave to the expectations that exist only in my heart.

Sara Groves has a song called “What I Thought I Wanted” that beautifully underscores the heart of Proverbs 19:21.

Sara Groves - What I Thought I Wanted

I love the lyric where she says:

When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

I am learning A LOT about my heart right now. I am learning things about myself that I don’t know if I would have ever learned had the bottom not fallen out.

I thought I wanted a job… but instead I am getting character
I thought I wanted a check… but instead I am getting change
I thought I wanted my story… but instead I am getting His

I often wonder if I would have had the opportunity to see this deeply into my heart had I gotten what I wanted.  But I didn’t, and here we are. It is painful, but it is purposeful. Though the bleeding persists, I am grateful for the wound.

So, what I thought I wanted, and what I got instead leaves me broken and grateful.

Are you grateful for what you got “instead”?


 

Value In The Crushing

I wasn’t there, but I’ve been hearing some amazing things about the message Chuck Swindoll brought at Catalyst 2009.  My friend Justin Davis blogged about the message and his application of it in his post “Benefits Of Brokenness part 2.” which is where I first heard about it.  Swindoll says,

“When God has an impossible task to accomplish, he finds and impossible person and crushes them. So leave room in your life for the crushing. Leave room for the crushing. In every great work of God, brokenness and failure are necessary.”

It’s quite interesting to me that for all the talk about wanting to “be like Jesus” that goes on in most church and “christian” circles these days, nobody wants to suffer.  We all say we want God’s will for our lives, but have somehow become entitled and convinced that surely said “will of God” for us individually is chock full of blessing, favor, increase, promotion and all those other christianese buzz words we love to throw around.  If anything looks as if it will challenge “our rights” to the aforementioned blessing, favor, increase or promotion, then it must be “the devil.” It seems that in our feverish pursuit of the “favor”-laden “will of God” for our lives we have somehow forgotten that the will of God for Jesus was the cross.

I’ve heard it said on more than one occasion by a preacher that while Jesus certainly died on the cross physically, it was actually in the Garden of Gethsemane where he died to his will, where he was crushed, which paved the way to the cross.  In Luke 2:42 we even see Jesus at great odds with what his flesh wanted and his destiny, ultimately choosing to surrender his will and embrace the will of the Father.

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

Out of curiosity, because I like to cook and I’m a geek like that, I’ve been doing some research on how olive oil is made.  It’s quite an interesting and involved process.  What intrigued me to the point of this research was the price of olive oil at the store.  I didn’t understand how olives could be so relatively cheap, but even a medium sized bottle of quality olive oil is actually quite costly.

In my research, I have found that there are many uses, even apart from cooking, for olive oil.  Olives themselves have a lot of culinary uses, but it is the oil that is most valuable.  Even for as many uses as the olive has, it is actually more valuable after having been crushed, processed and reduced to an oil.

Cost and value are two very different things. In fact, what something “cost” me versus the “value” of that thing can often differ greatly.  Cost versus value will be perceived differently based on which side of the process I am standing on.  I cannot escape the spiritual application of that fact, and it has been ringing in my heart loudly.

So, what is the cost of olive oil?  Who are you asking?  It may cost me $12.99, but ask the olive.  It cost the olive everything.

There is a value produced by the crushing of the olive that would have never been realized if left in it’s initial state.  If the olive were able to feel and speak, I am sure it would testify that the crushing is extremely painful… being torn apart, gutted, dying to what it used to be, letting go of what people expect it to look like, releasing the real value on the inside. I wonder if the olive would confess to feeling like perhaps it had failed as an olive, being broken and not knowing why, not yet understanding that what was happening was necessary in order to get the greater purpose out of its existence.

And so it is with your life.  There is a such a significant value produced by the crushing of your life that would never have been realized it is were left in it’s original entitled, self-centered, prideful state.  And yes, it is painful… dying to your former self, letting go of what you used to be, rebuilding, embracing the greater purpose in your existence, but knowing that it comes only through brokenness and what will likely feel like failure.

God loves your “olive”, but he wants your “oil.”

You want the will of God for your life? Leave room for the crushing.

Are you leaving room in your life for the crushing?