Tag Archive - Cross Point Church

Learning How To Die

April 22, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 55 Comments

Yesterday was a hard day.

If you’ve read my story, then you should be fairly up to speed on where I’m at in my life right now.  If you haven’t, then you should go do that before proceeding so you’ll have some context for what I’m about to say.

When I shared my story on Justin & Trisha’s blog a couple weeks ago, I talked about how I’ve walked away from the career I’ve pursued for the past 8 years and have been looking for a job.  Well, after a couple months of looking, I finally got a job on Tuesday and started yesterday.

I want to be very clear and make sure I convey that I am very grateful to now have employment and some income. I am more thankful than you may understand.  At the same time, and in the context of the journey I’ve been documenting here on my blog, I also want to be very honest. So here goes…

When I got the call Tuesday afternoon and was officially hired, I was hit with a barrage of emotions.  I felt a little relieved, kind of excited and I also hated it… all at the same time.   Applying for a job you never really saw yourself doing is one thing.  GETTING said job is an entirely different thing.  “So, this is it,” I thought to myself. “Now what?”  I was all over the emotional map, and it sucked.  I could barely feel excited to actually have a job before I felt punched in the gut and if I may be perfectly honest with you, it hurt like hell.

At Cross Point right now, Pete Wilson is teaching a series on “Shattered Dreams” that is a companion to his forthcoming book “Plan B”.  The crux of the “Plan B”/Shattered Dreams concept is “What do you do when God doesn’t show up the way you thought He would?”

This past Sunday Pete was talking about Joseph and all that happened to him on his journey from ostracized, rejected dreamer to the most powerful man in Egypt, second only to Pharaoh.  One of the points he made that stuck out to me the most was “the value in your shattered dream is more about who you’re becoming than where you’re going.” The fact that Joseph eventually landed in a position of great influence, authority and leadership was a distant second to who he had become as a result of his life experiences, challenges and opportunities, all of which prepared him for said influence, authority and leadership.  The destination is always trumped by the preparation.

I had to remind myself of that many times yesterday, my first day on my new job.  The place that hired me isn’t one of the places I looked at first, second or third… it isn’t one of the places I was sure was a “good fit” for me or seemed like “the next thing.” Let me be clear and say there is NOTHING WRONG with the place that hired me. In fact, I’m sure I’ll enjoy working there.  It just WASN’T IN MY PLANS.  It felt like 2 + 2 = 30… it didn’t add up.

To be honest with you, I STRUGGLED yesterday.

I STRUGGLED with my Plan B…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like I had been sidelined…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like maybe I made the wrong decision…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like, “this is not what I came here for 8 years ago…”

Pretty much the entire time I was at work I felt like I was on the verge of breaking down. I prayed that I wouldn’t see anyone I knew… not today… not this day.  I felt like a fish out of water and didn’t want anyone to catch me out of “my element.”  Truth is, I’m not sure I even know what “my element” is anymore.

I’ve been on a journey to arrest and evict this pride and entitlement from my heart, but I found out yesterday that they are not going quietly. In fact, they are planting their heels, grabbing the door frames and kicking and screaming the entire way.

After work, I texted a close friend and told him how I felt. He replied saying, “He is after your heart”… a reminder I had given the same friend less than a week prior.  It was a reminder I needed.  It’s not about where I am… it’s about the posture and pursuit of my heart while I’m there.  Looking at so many stories throughout the Bible, I am reminded that where I am at any given moment or season of life is probably exactly where I am supposed to be. There is value in every moment… sometimes it just looks different than what I would call “valuable.”

I have no idea where all this is going… none… ZERO… ZILCH.  But I do remember Joseph, and I remember all the character-building and shaping moments that defined him more than any position he ever held.  I remember that the value of this moment in my life is in who I am becoming, not where I am going.  I remember 2 Corinthians 4:16…

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

This morning, I still have unanswered questions, yet I still trust… I still trust that God is writing a better story for me than I could ever write for myself… unexpected plot twists and all. I’m learning to embrace that story, and some days it is easier than others.

I’m learning how to let go… I’m learning how to embrace… I’m learning how to unlearn and rethink…

I’m learning how to die…

Anybody else?

 

Pastor Barbie & Pulpit Culture

April 13, 2010 in Faith, Leadership, My Story with 55 Comments

Pastor Barbie

I was asked by Wes to share my story with our community group Sunday night.  It’s been awhile since I’ve done any sort of public speaking and although I think I stumbled through it a little, I feel it went pretty well.

After leaving, I sent a tweet saying “Blogging about my story is one thing, sharing it in front of 40 people in my community group is another. Grateful for this journey”. I got a reply from Makeda saying “you sharing your story so courageously is giving others permission to be courageous too so keep telling it.”

Have you ever been around someone who is always full of fear, and before you knew it you find yourself just feeling fearful out of the blue?  What about someone who is just bursting at the seams with faith?  I don’t care how discouraged you may be, you can’t be around that kind of person long without your faith being built.  And what about courage?  If you spend much time in the company of a courageous person it makes you feel brave and courageous.

Fear begets fear.
Faith begets faith.
Courage begets courage.

I’d like to introduce you to Pastor Barbie, however I have a feeling she needs no introduction.  In fact, if you’re like me you have been well acquainted with Pastor Barbie for a very, very long time. I’m really not interested in discussing the theology of the Biblical justification or legitimacy of Barbie’s pastorate or whether or not she should wear make-up, cover her head when she prays or speak in tongues when non-believers are present in the service.  :)   Just flow with the metaphor here…

Pastor Barbie doesn’t cuss, gossip and covets neither her neighbor’s livestock nor flat-screen HD television.  Pastor Barbie doesn’t speed, listen to secular music and never leaves home without her Bible.  Pastor Barbie doesn’t struggle with porn, has never had an abortion and her husband, Co-Pastor Ken, is the first and only man she kissed, but not until they said “I do,” of course.  Pastor Barbie doesn’t drink, chew or run with those who do. Pastor Barbie has never doubted, always trusted and rarely wondered.

In fact, she’s kind of… perfect. You know Pastor Barbie.

Pastor Barbie has never done ANYTHING wrong, let alone thought about it.  She walks right, spits white and is a pristine model of salvation and shining beacon of the light of Jesus to every one of the perfect plastic people in her church.  Except… *GASP*… the perfect plastic people in her church aren’t really perfect or plastic.  In fact, they are very real, have very real struggles, fight very real battles each and every day and have doubts and questions.  And there, ladies and gentlemen, is where we have a conflict.

You see, when Pastor Barbie’s congregation looks at her, they believe they see what faith should look like.  But they are conflicted, so they struggle, wrestle and feel defeated, confident that something must be wrong with them because, after all, “if Pastor Barbie isn’t struggling, why am I?”  There is a disconnect between what they see and what they feel, so they ignore what they feel and the great masquerade deepens in their quest to one day be as “spiritual” as Pastor Barbie.

I grew up in a “Pastor Barbie” setting where no one ever confessed or admitted to struggling with ANYTHING, especially anyone in any kind of leadership role.  Never. Ever.  This created an environment where we would jump through all kinds of religious hoops and be really good at “church”, but really suck at life.

“Pastor Barbie” churches present a pretense-soaked, dysfunctional and unrealistic PULPIT CULTURE that, in turn, creates and nurtures an equally, if not more so, pretense-soaked, dysfunctional and unrealistic PEW CULTURE.

I’ve been thinking about the whole pulpit culture/pew culture concept lately, and observing the huge difference between what I have spent much of my life accustomed to compared with what I am experiencing at Cross Point Church, where I now attend.

Prior to coming to Cross Point, I had never been part of a church where such a radical and courageous transparency was the norm and so much a part of that church’s DNA.  Earlier this year, when speaking about Freedom From Sexual Sin, Pete Wilson stood in the pulpit and said “there is no other sin in my life that has made me feel more more shameful, more beat up and more destroyed than sexual sin. Nothing.”… and I about fell out of my seat.  Are you kidding me?!?!  I can count on one finger the times when I have heard a pastor be so real and vulnerable, and this was it.  It really struck me and I couldn’t help but wonder, “why is this the exception?!?!”

In dramatic contrast to “Pastor Barbie” churches, Cross Point has created an honest, real-life and transformational PULPIT CULTURE which, in turn, creates and nurtures an equally, if not more so, honest, real-life and transformational PEW CULTURE.

The people you lead are a mirror and the PEW CULTURE at your church or organization is quite often a direct reflection of the PULPIT CULTURE shaped by the leadership.

There is something wildly contagious about the humbly transparent yet courageous spirit of a Pete Wilson… or a Justin Davis to so openly share the testimony about his affair and God’s redemption and restoration of his family… or a Blake Bergstrom being so boldly, unpredictably, uniquely and unashamedly “Blake”… that empowers people to embrace that same courage, step forward and say “here’s my story.” I’m not sure that Sheila, the former crackhead prostitute, would feel welcome at Pastor Barbie’s church.

Whether intentionally or unintentionally, they have created a PULPIT CULTURE that does not claim to be perfect, but is as close a reflection of what I believe to be the heart of the Father than anything I’ve ever encountered.

There is something about giving people permission to be broken that brings healing.

That. Rocks. Me.

…and it scares the hell out of the enemy of our souls!

I am so grateful to God for leading me to Cross Point and for the genuine community I have discovered there.  I am encouraged by each limp that I see and seeing the scars is showing me hope.  It is the fellowship of the redeemed, restored and redefined… and it is healing my heart.  Cross Point truly is a place where “everybody’s welcome, nobody’s perfect and anything is possible”… and for the first time in my life, I truly believe that.

If you are a leader, what kind of PULPIT CULTURE are you creating and how do you see that reflected in the PEW CULTURE at your church?

If you’re not a leader, what kind of PEW CULTURE do you feel has been created as a result of the PULPIT CULTURE at your church?

 

An Idol Heart – Guest Post At RefineUs.org

April 2, 2010 in Blogging, Faith, Friends, Guest Posts, My Story with 7 Comments

I was recently asked by Justin Davis, campus pastor for Cross Point Bellvue and my friend, if I would contribute a guest blog post to a series about redemption on RefineUs.org, the blog he and his wife Trisha write. To say that I was honored would be a massive understatement.  I actually had to ask him if he was serious.  He was.

Then I saw the lineup of who else would be adding their voices to the mix this week… Lindsey Nobles, Spence Smith and Alece Ronzino.  Good Lord!  Honestly, I quickly felt a bit out of my league in the company of these great folks who have inspired and encouraged me from afar with what they have written and shared on their own blogs.  But yet, I had an invitation to share my story.  So I did.

What I wrote for Justin’s blog is probably the most honest thing I’ve ever written in my life.  I decided to share my story in a deeper and more candid way than I have even had an opportunity to share here on my own blog yet.  It just felt like it was time.

Thank you, Justin and Trisha.  Your lives are a light, an encouragement and a reminder of the faithfulness of God.  Your story is a picture of redemption and hope to so many people. Thank you for the invitation and opportunity to open my heart and share my story. I pray that God uses it to encourage and speak to someone else in whatever they are facing in their life right now, and to draw people closer to Himself.

READ: An Idol Heart (Grant Jenkins) /// guest post at RefineUs.org

 
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