Tag Archive - career

Gutted

May 13, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 19 Comments

Following the horrible flooding in Nashville last week, Cross Point Church organized and mobilized a group of 1,600 volunteers this past Saturday to serve the flood-ravaged neighborhoods of our city and help the families impacted by this disaster.  I was honored to be able to serve with so many amazing folks from my church.  Each team’s goal was to remove EVERYTHING in our respective assigned homes that the flood waters ruined, as quickly as possible, getting each home as construction-ready as we could so contractors could come in and begin the rebuild process.  I actually have several observations from my experience that day to blog about, but the one I want to talk about today is one that I’m the least comfortable with.

Every house in the neighborhood looked the same… empty, with piles and piles lined up on the street in front, consisting of drywall, insulation, tile, hardwood flooring, carpet and carpet pads, furniture, appliances, personal and household items, etc. In a word, every single house was GUTTED.  When we got to the house where part of my group spent most of the day, there was a team already hard at work, pulling out EVERYTHING.  It was not pretty.  It was violent, loud and messy.  It looked like complete chaos, but it was necessary.  The new could not be built on top of the old because the old was toxic and could not support what was coming next. I knew that soon, something beautiful would be rebuilt here, but for now, it was just smash, rip, break, pry, pound, tear and pull.

As I pounded, peeled and pried away at glued-down hard wood floors with a hammer and crow bar, deconstructing this home, watching wheelbarrow load after wheelbarrow load of debris being carted out, I couldn’t help but wonder to myself… “what now? What will these people do now?”

To us, we were removing debris, but to the homeowners we were removing memories.  I heard stories about an elderly musician who wept as he let go of his decades-old record collection which spoke to who he was, as well as a war veteran who struggled to throw away the memorabilia from his time in the service, which served as a reminder of who he was, but was now ruined. I can’t even begin to imagine the identity battle waged by each and every person as they parted with each ruined item, feeling like they were losing a piece of themselves in every item that was lost… or maybe I can.

Suddenly, I could not escape the analogy happening before my very eyes…

This is exactly how I have felt for the past 4 months of my life…

GUTTED.

something got inside that wasn’t supposed to be there…
the things I’ve pursued, acquired and prized no longer have value…
the things I held so closely that I thought defined me are now toxic…
what previously decorated what I had built is now just “debris“…
pulled out… violently… put into piles on the street…
preparing the way for what will be rebuilt…
smashed, ripped, broken and torn…
knowing something beautiful will soon come from this…
wondering for months, “what now? What will I do now?”

The picture at the top of this post is a perfect depiction of how I feel but have struggled to adequately articulate…

GUTTED.

We heard several people talking about the importance of getting everything that had been exposed to the toxic flood waters out of the house immediately, before mold set in, preparing the way for the rebuild.  My perspective was rocked as I thought about the work we did on that one flood-ravaged home and how it was paralleled by the work God is doing in my life.

With all that on my heart, then reading my friend Wes’ amazing post, I am reminded that no matter where I am or what I see, I can’t allow my present perspective to block my faith view of the story God is writing. I can’t get so stuck on the deconstruction that I fail to allow my heart to understand that deconstruction is actually part of the rebuild, it just doesn’t always look like it.  It may look like violent, loud and messy chaos right now, but the perspective is 1 Peter 5:10…

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (NIV)

The New King James Version of this same verse says God will “perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you“.  I love that visual… “…settle you.”

So, whether you are experiencing a deconstruction in your physical home, your career, your marriage, your faith, your finances or your life as as whole, my prayer for you today is that the God of all grace, after you have been GUTTED and suffered a little while, will himself restore, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you.

Have you ever felt “GUTTED”?

 

Learning How To Die

April 22, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 55 Comments

Yesterday was a hard day.

If you’ve read my story, then you should be fairly up to speed on where I’m at in my life right now.  If you haven’t, then you should go do that before proceeding so you’ll have some context for what I’m about to say.

When I shared my story on Justin & Trisha’s blog a couple weeks ago, I talked about how I’ve walked away from the career I’ve pursued for the past 8 years and have been looking for a job.  Well, after a couple months of looking, I finally got a job on Tuesday and started yesterday.

I want to be very clear and make sure I convey that I am very grateful to now have employment and some income. I am more thankful than you may understand.  At the same time, and in the context of the journey I’ve been documenting here on my blog, I also want to be very honest. So here goes…

When I got the call Tuesday afternoon and was officially hired, I was hit with a barrage of emotions.  I felt a little relieved, kind of excited and I also hated it… all at the same time.   Applying for a job you never really saw yourself doing is one thing.  GETTING said job is an entirely different thing.  “So, this is it,” I thought to myself. “Now what?”  I was all over the emotional map, and it sucked.  I could barely feel excited to actually have a job before I felt punched in the gut and if I may be perfectly honest with you, it hurt like hell.

At Cross Point right now, Pete Wilson is teaching a series on “Shattered Dreams” that is a companion to his forthcoming book “Plan B”.  The crux of the “Plan B”/Shattered Dreams concept is “What do you do when God doesn’t show up the way you thought He would?”

This past Sunday Pete was talking about Joseph and all that happened to him on his journey from ostracized, rejected dreamer to the most powerful man in Egypt, second only to Pharaoh.  One of the points he made that stuck out to me the most was “the value in your shattered dream is more about who you’re becoming than where you’re going.” The fact that Joseph eventually landed in a position of great influence, authority and leadership was a distant second to who he had become as a result of his life experiences, challenges and opportunities, all of which prepared him for said influence, authority and leadership.  The destination is always trumped by the preparation.

I had to remind myself of that many times yesterday, my first day on my new job.  The place that hired me isn’t one of the places I looked at first, second or third… it isn’t one of the places I was sure was a “good fit” for me or seemed like “the next thing.” Let me be clear and say there is NOTHING WRONG with the place that hired me. In fact, I’m sure I’ll enjoy working there.  It just WASN’T IN MY PLANS.  It felt like 2 + 2 = 30… it didn’t add up.

To be honest with you, I STRUGGLED yesterday.

I STRUGGLED with my Plan B…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like I had been sidelined…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like maybe I made the wrong decision…

I STRUGGLED with feeling like, “this is not what I came here for 8 years ago…”

Pretty much the entire time I was at work I felt like I was on the verge of breaking down. I prayed that I wouldn’t see anyone I knew… not today… not this day.  I felt like a fish out of water and didn’t want anyone to catch me out of “my element.”  Truth is, I’m not sure I even know what “my element” is anymore.

I’ve been on a journey to arrest and evict this pride and entitlement from my heart, but I found out yesterday that they are not going quietly. In fact, they are planting their heels, grabbing the door frames and kicking and screaming the entire way.

After work, I texted a close friend and told him how I felt. He replied saying, “He is after your heart”… a reminder I had given the same friend less than a week prior.  It was a reminder I needed.  It’s not about where I am… it’s about the posture and pursuit of my heart while I’m there.  Looking at so many stories throughout the Bible, I am reminded that where I am at any given moment or season of life is probably exactly where I am supposed to be. There is value in every moment… sometimes it just looks different than what I would call “valuable.”

I have no idea where all this is going… none… ZERO… ZILCH.  But I do remember Joseph, and I remember all the character-building and shaping moments that defined him more than any position he ever held.  I remember that the value of this moment in my life is in who I am becoming, not where I am going.  I remember 2 Corinthians 4:16…

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

This morning, I still have unanswered questions, yet I still trust… I still trust that God is writing a better story for me than I could ever write for myself… unexpected plot twists and all. I’m learning to embrace that story, and some days it is easier than others.

I’m learning how to let go… I’m learning how to embrace… I’m learning how to unlearn and rethink…

I’m learning how to die…

Anybody else?

 

Fear

March 25, 2010 in Faith with 6 Comments

fear

When it comes to thinking about your life and the future… career, relationships, life decisions, etc… I have come to realize there are two types of fear that are often encountered.  They are both rooted in “what if”, but they are very different.

The first is “what if it doesn’t…”, which can tend to have a paralyzing effect, keeping you tethered to the familiar.  The thoughts of it all falling apart keep a lot of people nestled in a comfort zone where, although not ideal, is consistent, predictable and safe.

The second and, in my experience, more powerful is “what if it does…”  This type can have an equally paralyzing effect, also hindering many people from cutting the proverbial umbilical cord, stepping into the unfamiliar and embracing the uncertain.  But here is where the road divides and the two are different.  Rather than thoughts of it all falling apart, this type of fear brings with it thoughts of “what if it works and changes everything.”

I believe it is the second type of fear that tends to be a catalyst to faith… when you no longer view your options as options at all, because quite often, options can be the enemy of faith.  When you realize that everything in your life could completely change and even though you have no idea what that might look like you are ready to embrace what’s next… that’s when things begin to happen.

Some people have lived a certain way, with a particular mindset or pattern for so long and have become quite accustomed to their situation.  They believe they have options and while they might do something different “someday”, for now they are just fine.  They believe that it is what it is, and fear of the waves keeps them on the shore.

Then there are the kind of people who choose to shed the notion of options and embrace the challenge that comes with facing the second type of fear, where the fear of staying on the shore pushes them out onto the waves.

I believe this was the kind of man Jesus encountered in Luke 18.  How long this man had been blind was immaterial.  When he heard Jesus was passing by, he knew his only other option was to continue to sit and beg… blind.  I believe he had gotten to the point where, if he was honest, that really wasn’t an option at all.  Surely he had built a lifestyle around his situation, one that catered to his particular dysfunction, but he was tired of that.  Staying the same was no longer optional, so he took a risk.  He called out to Jesus.

Jesus had the blind man brought to Him, and when he came near Jesus asked him, “what do you want me to do for you?”  What kind of question was THAT!?  Obviously the man was blind.  He wasn’t likely to ask for food or clothing.  He wasn’t begging for money, he was begging for mercy.  But if you look closer at the scenario, Jesus wasn’t uninformed.  He was challenging this man’s limitations.  He was essentially saying, “before I do this, I want to make sure, is this what you want?”  Jesus knew that if He performed this miracle, it would change everything for the blind man.  So before he went any further, he was basically saying, “are you sure? Because once I do, you won’t be able to stay here anymore.  This miracle will destroy your comfort zone.”

The blind man replied, “I want to see.”  He knew what it meant.  He knew that he would have to build a whole new life that was no longer co-dependent on his disability.  But he wanted it.  Jesus never even touched him, but he was changed forever.

The Bible says God has “planted eternity in the hearts of men.” There is something powerful about encountering a pivotal moment that connects with the seed of eternity planted in each of us.  It is grace, a window of opportunity when we are empowered to step outside the bounds of everything that has convinced us things will never change.  It challenges our limitations and tells us to do something we never thought we could do before.  Something like… telling a blind man to see.

What are you afraid of?  Does the fear of the waves keep you on the shore?  Or does the fear of the shore push you out onto the waves?

 

My Story, Chapter 1: The Conflict

March 15, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 18 Comments

I love a good story.  There’s something about watching someone experience, struggle through and grow from a challenge that does something unique for my heart.  I don’t know exactly when I realized it, but I’ve known for quite some time now that I’ve been living out a story, with the days of my life providing a narrative pointing to the glory and purpose of God.  I’ve believed this for awhile, but it was about a year ago when I was reminded that the story being told is always greater than the sum of the characters in the cast.

About this time last year, I experienced a key element of any compelling story: the conflict, or as I blogged about and alluded to before, an “inciting event.”  The conflict is a struggle between two people or things in a story.  Conflict is a vital literary device that takes a story from run-of-the-mill to rousing.  The main character is usually on one side of the main conflict.  On the other side, the main character may struggle against another important character, against the forces of nature, against society, or even against something inside himself or herself (feelings, emotions, illness).  Conflict is the opposition of forces which ties one incident to another and makes the plot move.

There are 2 types of conflict: external and internal.  External conflict is a struggle with a force outside one’s self while internal conflict is a struggle within one’s self.  In my case, I experienced an external conflict that served as a catalyst for internal conflict.

Honestly, I’m still trying to find the balance of exactly how much of this story I want to share and when, especially since I’m still very much walking it out.  In the interest of keeping focused on the main theme I want to communicate, I will just say that I experienced an external professional conflict.  Besides, the “what” is not nearly as important as the “why” that it brought to the surface.

I found myself in a situation that appeared to be a threat to what I deemed to be “success” in my career.  All other various elements and specifics aside, I went into a bit of a tailspin.  Actually, that’s an understatement.  My heart freaked out.

One night I found myself walking around in my back yard for about two hours, on the phone with one of my best friends, Tyson, talking through the particulars of the situation. Actually, I wasn’t talking as much as I was venting, searching for answers, grasping for any semblance of purpose in the midst of what otherwise appeared to be utter chaos and disorder descending on my life.

As I rambled on in my confused and fearful state, I will never forget what happened next.  Being the great friend that he is, Tyson heard me out and then asked me the following question: “what are you afraid of losing?”

It sounds simple enough, but that was the crack in the dam for me and the question that would ultimately change how I would see everything.

To be continued…

Have you identified a major “conflict” moment in your life that you can point to as the moment everything changed for you?

 
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