Tag Archive - belief

Belief, Emersion & Stretchy Pants

July 20, 2010 in Faith, My Story with 16 Comments

Sunday I made a decision I had been wrestling with for awhile.

Back story: I was baptized at the age of 11, during a revival at the church I grew up in.  All the kids around my age were getting baptized and “saved” (which brings up theological issues that I don’t have the desire or patience to unpack here) around this time.  While I don’t necessarily question my 11-year old sincerity at the time, I have often questioned my understanding of what exactly it was that I was doing.  I had been in church all of my short 11 years and while I knew “church” very well and had been inundated with all degrees of religiosity, legalism and opinions and personal preferences sold as “doctrine”, I know for a fact that I did not know or “get” the Gospel.

In the denomination I grew up in, salvation wasn’t presented as by grace, through faith (Ephesians 2:8) in Christ ALONE, but rather it was sold as a proverbial “get out of hell, free” card.  The salvation I grew up understanding and embracing wasn’t based on the cross, but rather on my ability to follow the formula, be good enough and adhere to enough rules that I would be acceptable to God which, from my experience, resulted in a whole lot of arrogance, self-righteousness and spiritual pride. THAT’S certainly not going to be a popular statement, but it is my story, nonetheless.

Looking back over my journey in the 23 years or so since then, I’ve gotten a lot of perspective and had a lot of time to think about what all that meant.  Do I believe that I was “saved” to the greatest extent of my ignorance at that time? Yes. Do I still hold that experience as being sufficient and definitive of what it means to be a Christ follower in my life today? No.

A few months ago, someone asked me a question that is not all that uncommon in Christian circles, especially when you’re first getting to know someone.

“How long have you been a believer?”

My reply: “that’s a loaded question.” At that time, I was right in the middle of this whole season where Jesus was showing me my heart and subsequently wrecking it.  Through a series of events which I have discussed quite candidly here, as well as some I haven’t talked about yet, my life had been wrecked and I understood, quite possibly for the first time in my life, exactly why I needed a savior.  When I was asked that question, I realized that on one hand I had been a believer since 11 years old, but on another hand, and more importantly, perhaps only a few months.  Over the course of the previous few months, the Gospel had dawned on me and I understood it in a way I never had before.  Sure, I had “believed”, but NEVER like this. I realized that Christ’s goal wasn’t for me to stop going to the movies, wearing shorts or listening to rock music (don’t get me started), but rather to intentionally, passionately, relentlessly apprehend my heart.

Last week, Pete Wilson sent a tweet that said:

The pain of self-awareness can be the beginning of spiritual transformation. Stop dodging yourself.

If ever there was a statement to encapsulate the past several years of my life, it was that one.  All the painful and heart-wrenching months that had led up to right now were also transforming me in ways I could see and some I can’t yet. And yes, I had been religiously and methodically dodging coming face to face with myself for so long.  When it finally happened, it undid and changed me.

All of that leads up to the present. For the past couple months I’ve been contemplating and wrestling with the idea of getting baptized again.  I wanted to do it to mark this particular moment of my life in a public way and to say to God, “I am doing THIS, with understanding and gratitude of what You did and are doing.”  So why was I wrestling with it?  It’s simple. Pride. I was so afraid of what people might think, possibly not knowing my story, wondering why I’m JUST getting baptized, etc. I mean, SURELY, by 35 years old… I’ve already done THAT! God forbid anyone think I’m not who they perceived me to be!!! #pridesucks #faithfail

I wrestled with it for weeks, discussed it with some close friends but eventually talked myself out of it, though in my heart I knew I really wanted to do it. I knew that Baptism Sunday was coming up at Cross Point, but I just couldn’t bring myself to commit and follow through.  I woke up this past Sunday morning a little upset with myself that I couldn’t seem to move forward past this stupid pride and fear and just do it.

As I was sitting in the 10am service, Blake Bergstrom brought a powerful message about the love of the Father, His passionate pursuit of our heart and jealousy for our affection… a theme I’ve recently been stuck on and blogged about.  As the message ended, the worship team started to lead “How He Loves”. As soon as I heard them sing “He is jealous for me…”, I broke and knew today was the day.  While I stood there and worshipped God, watching others be baptized, I decided that I would kick the pride and just do it. TODAY.

After the 10am service I shared with Blake what I wanted to do and why. I stayed for the 11:30 service and when it was time, I took the step, moved past my fear and stepped into the water with an understanding of what this meant and was baptized.  I am proud to say that no stretchy pants were used in my baptism.

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. (Romans 6:4)

I did it for me. I did it for my heart. I did it to publicly identify myself with the death and resurrection of Christ and what that means in my life every single day.

What is your fear or pride holding you back from?

 

[im]perfect Timing

July 12, 2010 in Faith with 18 Comments

[Yesterday at Cross Point, Justin Davis delivered a very moving and powerful message about the parable of the mustard seed, the yeast and God's timing that strongly echoed the theme of a piece I wrote over 5 years ago, which I want to share with you here today. I don't know exactly what God is saying right now, but it sounds something like, "I know what it looks like, but I'm not finished."  Be encouraged.]

I watched the sun come up this past Saturday morning. Somewhere around 3:30 or 4 a.m., I picked up the book I had been reading, Fresh Faith by Jim Cymbala, and began reading at the top of chapter 7, “Faith Runs on a Different Clock.” I got four pages into this chapter and was really struck by the way that Pastor Cymbala told the story of the birth of John, as told in Luke 1. Basically, he was bringing the reader to focus on the truth that many times God works on a much different time table than we do and that our challenge as people of faith is to not throw away our confidence in the meantime, bearing in mind that it will be richly rewarded (Hebrews 10:35).

One particular line that stuck with me was:

“Many of our struggles about faith have to do with timing. We believe, at least in theory, that God will keep His promises—but when?”

He approached the foretelling of the birth of John the Baptist in such a unique way that I soon found myself reaching for my Bible to read this account more indepth for myself. After reading the account detailed in Luke 1:1-23, I was immediately struck by several things.

First, in verse 6 we are told, “Zechariah and Elizabeth were righteous in God’s eyes, careful to obey all of the Lord’s commandments and regulations.” So, we would assume that surely God honored their faithfulness by blessing them with a full and fruitful life. However, verse 7 says,

“They had no children because Elizabeth was barren, and now they were both very old.”

For many generations, it had been prophesied that the messiah would be born of a woman, so every woman in the lineage of David had a hope and an expectation that her baby just might be “the one.” Being barren in those days meant that you were disqualified from even being a candidate. Barrenness carried with it disgrace, reproach and a deep sense of rejection and exclusion. So, before we go any further, when you put verses 6 and 7 side by side, you can’t help but see that in spite of the disappointment and disgrace that this couple experienced (Luke 1:25), they were still faithful, obedient and righteous in the eyes of the Lord. That’s saying a lot right there.

It’s not just that they were disappointed in general, but verse 7 tells us that “now they were both very old,” so they had been disappointed for a long time. We aren’t told exactly how old they were, but I believe the fact that the Bible makes it a point to say that they were “very old” is significant.  In fact, it is likely that they had grown so accustomed to their situation that they figured that it wasn’t going to change. But verse 8 says,

“One day Zechariah was serving God in the Temple …”

Isn’t that something?

Disgraced but faithful
Disappointed but not distracted
Unfulfilled but undaunted

While Zechariah was serving on this day, “an angel of the Lord appeared, standing to the right of the incense altar” (v. 11). “The angel said, ‘Don’t be afraid, Zechariah! For God has heard your prayer, and your wife, Elizabeth, will bear you a son! You are to name him John’” (v. 13). This is incredible to me, especially in the context of what we read in verses 6-8, seeing that Zechariah was faithful to serve, with an unrealized hope and unfulfilled dream tucked away in his heart. He may have even forgotten about his prayer, but God didn’t.

When you look at the scope of the series of events that preceded and eventually led to the birth of Jesus Himself, we see that the delay in the answer to Zechariah and Elizabeth’s prayer was not really even about them at all. It was all about God’s timing. It couldn’t have happened any earlier. It had to happen how it did and when it did, in order for the prophecy to be fulfilled and John to be the forerunner to Christ Himself (v. 17). The story is encouraging and redemptive on its own, but still pales in comparison to the small part it played in the larger story of the birth of Jesus and how the world would never be the same as a result.

Reading this story, I was forced to ask myself the hard question: “Can I still serve, be faithful and trust God even when I don’t get what I think I should have when I think I should have it?” Even harder, “Am I willing to accept the possibility that the time I am spending in wait might not even be about me?”

We are so spoiled today. When we don’t get the job, the car, the promotion, the house, the spouse or even the pair of shoes that we want, we have the audacity to lose hope and let our confidence that God is working on our behalf. This selfishness is magnified even more when we look at the time lines, unrealistic expectations and demands we put on our faith. When thinking of the things that we give value to and the relatively short time restraints we put on God “coming through” for us, we can quickly see how our attitude and impatience paint a vivid picture of a shallow faith that is often built around our entitlement and on having what we want when we want it.

How long have you been waiting?

Zechariah and Elizabeth waited a really long time, but they were still faithful and trusted in the Lord. I pray that I can develop that same kind of focus and tenacity to remain faithful, hopeful and trusting even in the face of an unrealized hope or desire.

God has not forgotten you, but faith runs on a different clock. Don’t lose heart, but in between the asking and the fulfillment, keep serving. Stay faithful. Be obedient. Unplug your clock and trust in the perfect timing of the Lord. Back up from your situation and begin to ask God for a view of the bigger picture and how the hope in your heart today fits into the greater story that will play out tomorrow.

 

No Insult Like The Truth

April 14, 2010 in Faith with 22 Comments

It hurts my heart that so many American churches look nothing like Jesus.

Jesus did not come so that we may have stuff. He came that we may have abundant life. Sometimes the thing keeping us from abundant life the most is all our stuff.

Below is an excerpt from a message by John Piper that someone created a video for.

It is powerful, it is offensive, and it is the truth.

A lot of what is being passed off these days as “the gospel” is idolatry.

There’s no insult like the truth.

“God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him in the midst of loss, not prosperity.” – John Piper

Does this offend you or challenge your beliefs?

 

My Story, Chapter 1: The Conflict

March 15, 2010 in Faith, Life, My Story with 18 Comments

I love a good story.  There’s something about watching someone experience, struggle through and grow from a challenge that does something unique for my heart.  I don’t know exactly when I realized it, but I’ve known for quite some time now that I’ve been living out a story, with the days of my life providing a narrative pointing to the glory and purpose of God.  I’ve believed this for awhile, but it was about a year ago when I was reminded that the story being told is always greater than the sum of the characters in the cast.

About this time last year, I experienced a key element of any compelling story: the conflict, or as I blogged about and alluded to before, an “inciting event.”  The conflict is a struggle between two people or things in a story.  Conflict is a vital literary device that takes a story from run-of-the-mill to rousing.  The main character is usually on one side of the main conflict.  On the other side, the main character may struggle against another important character, against the forces of nature, against society, or even against something inside himself or herself (feelings, emotions, illness).  Conflict is the opposition of forces which ties one incident to another and makes the plot move.

There are 2 types of conflict: external and internal.  External conflict is a struggle with a force outside one’s self while internal conflict is a struggle within one’s self.  In my case, I experienced an external conflict that served as a catalyst for internal conflict.

Honestly, I’m still trying to find the balance of exactly how much of this story I want to share and when, especially since I’m still very much walking it out.  In the interest of keeping focused on the main theme I want to communicate, I will just say that I experienced an external professional conflict.  Besides, the “what” is not nearly as important as the “why” that it brought to the surface.

I found myself in a situation that appeared to be a threat to what I deemed to be “success” in my career.  All other various elements and specifics aside, I went into a bit of a tailspin.  Actually, that’s an understatement.  My heart freaked out.

One night I found myself walking around in my back yard for about two hours, on the phone with one of my best friends, Tyson, talking through the particulars of the situation. Actually, I wasn’t talking as much as I was venting, searching for answers, grasping for any semblance of purpose in the midst of what otherwise appeared to be utter chaos and disorder descending on my life.

As I rambled on in my confused and fearful state, I will never forget what happened next.  Being the great friend that he is, Tyson heard me out and then asked me the following question: “what are you afraid of losing?”

It sounds simple enough, but that was the crack in the dam for me and the question that would ultimately change how I would see everything.

To be continued…

Have you identified a major “conflict” moment in your life that you can point to as the moment everything changed for you?

 

So Why “An Idol Heart?”

February 28, 2010 in Culture, Faith, Life, My Story with 31 Comments

It has been close to a year since I have blogged with any kind of consistency.  Since then, a lot has happened.

About a year ago, I experienced what writers and storytellers call an “inciting event.”  According to Suite 101, an inciting event is:

…the moment or plot point in a script that kicks the story into motion. It occurs after the set up or exposition and everything that follows the inciting incident should be a result of the inciting incident. It is where a story really begins.
It is that moment in the script where the protagonist’s world is turned upside down and he/she must then set about resolving the change in circumstances that the incident has brought about. It is generally a clear and defined moment that is easily identifiable.
Of “inciting events”, author Donald Miller says:
Characters don’t change without being forced to change. An inciting incident is the event in a movie that causes upheaval in the protagonist life. The protagonist, then, naturally seeks to return to stability. And in order to do that, he HAS to solve his new problem.
While we may tend to prefer comfortable, warm and fuzzy feel-good stories, those kind of stories can tend to be long on emotion but short on depth.  Ever the master story-teller, God specializes in character development.  It was in that spirit that God used this particular inciting event in my life to peel back the layers of my heart and show me what was really there.  It was not great and consequently, I was broken.

It was during this time that I was introduced to the ministry of Timothy Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City, and particularly his teachings on idolatry in our hearts and culture.  Between his messages on idolatry, followed by the October ’09 release of his book “Counterfeit Gods”, which digs much deeper into the heart of idolatry, God pretty much wrecked my life and my heart.  The past few months in particular have brought with them a systematic deconstructing of so much stuff that I had given inordinate place in my heart to.

So, why “An Idol Heart?”  In “Counterfeit Gods”, Tim Keller says,

“The human heart is indeed a factory that mass-produces idols.”

Wow. That’s why.  Every single day I am learning to be more and more aware and in tune with what my heart is prone to, choosing to lay those things at the cross and looking to Christ as my ultimate source of worth, acceptance and identity.

This has been, and continues to be, a massive heart and life shift for me which is actively reshaping just about everything I’ve known or understood about sin, salvation and grace.  In fact, this is reshaping how I see and process, well, just about everything.
“I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” – Ezekiel 36:26

This is the single most painful yet beautiful experience I’ve ever walked through.  I have changed… a lot.  I have let go… of a lot.  I’ve been learning a lot and I’ve been unlearning a lot.  I’ve been experiencing what it means to let go and also what it means to pursue.  I am still very much in the middle of this journey, but I’ve finally come to a place where I’m ready to talk about it to more than just my core group of close friends who have been walking through this with me.

I’m passionate about my faith, about life and about culture, and how all those things intersect.  So, this blog will be some sort of a collision of all those things.

I love God and I love people.

An Idol Heart.

This is me.

 
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